The Post I Never Thought I'd Get to Write...

i.am.pregnant.

  wow, just seeing those words written there are giving me butterflies in my stomach. after 6 months of trying on our own, 9 IUI's, 1 IVF, and 2 FETs, not to mention dozens of tests, hundreds of blood draws, and i don't even want to think about how many injections... it finally worked. 2.5 years and finally a diagnosis of endometriosis. and finally for the very first time in my entire life, the most coveted pretty 2 pink lines i ever saw.

  in all honesty, i started POAS on Saturday (5dp5dt) and saw a very very very light line. i went in and showed hubby and he was like, that's not a line! so i POAS at night and the line was a teeny weeny bit darker. And we started to have a little hope. Sunday, i POAS again, and was disappointed to see BARELY that faint, am i hallucinating line again. By Sunday afternoon, i switched brands of tests. I was using some no name tiny strip sticks i got off amazon that IMO suck.

  i peed on a First Response Early Result test and walked out to play with the dog while i waited the 3 min. in the meantime hubby went in the bathroom, and yells, how long do you have to wait for the test? i go, 3 minutes and it hasn't even been a full minute yet.... he comes out with a giant grin and says well you already have a second very visible line!

the top tests are the ones i got off amazon... the big one is the first response test.

  So i pretty much knew that we had a good shot of being pregnant when i went in for beta this morning. i was just nervous to hear the #s especially since today i'm only 8dp5dt so its a day earlier then they usually test. but since i always go on tuesdays for delestrogen/progesterone levels, they said they could do it one day early, but not to be alarmed if my #s were a bit low. which, it was 160 today. i have no idea if that's high or low, so i guess we'll see what it is for Beta 2 which is Friday.

we have a long road ahead of us, i know this. but just seeing that second line gives me hope. hope that it really was just the endo keeping me from ever getting pregnant and that we have a shot at having a biological family. #thankyoujesus #bfp

at least 90 more IM shots. bring it on!

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You're not gonna believe this!

Let me first just start out by saying that NO, I'm not knocked up. I know it's Christmas time and if it could happen for Mary thru what is that called divine conception? (all those years of CCD and I can't for the life of me remember the official title...) then it could happen for me, but no. No little sweet babies gracing my manger this month. Well except for the gorgeous Italian hand crafted plastic one ma dukes got for us in our nativity set...

Anyway, my lack of memory and poor jokes are getting blamed on the Percocets that are working their way thru my system right now and the fact that it's almost 6am and I now have the worst insomnia known to man. If any of you know me, which actually you kind of don't, you'd know that sister here is NOT a night person. Those days ended mid twenties... I attribute too many all nighters clubbing in the city and down the Jersey Shore. yeah i said it. Fist pumping Qui-zeen.

But I digress, as I have now wasted 2 paragraphs on Immaculate Conception (yes, i googled, bad Catholic!) and insomniac fist pumping. I also changed from trying to type this on the iPad (suck it iPad) to my laptop because the iPad was turning me into a dyslexic slut (it changed all nighters to all nighties!)

So today / yesterday (i say today since i have yet to sleep, well sleep of my own free will) was my surgical procedure. For what you ask? Diagnostic Laparoscopy, Repeat Hysteroscopy, possible D&C, and some other big words i don't know that totally turned out to be important. Basically, it was my dr covering all her bases, so she could go in there and do whatever needed to be done.

And she really did.

And, here's the part(s) you won't believe. We have a mother f*cking diagnosis. BAM. Stage 3 Endometriosis to start off. Like I learned today, it's totally NOT normal to feel like you're going to faint and or puke when you have your period. Who freakin' knew. Oh yeah, and the kicker to the second thing that could be messing with my babymaker.... a totally compromised left Fallopian tube. That guy is DUN-ZO. She said basically it's super blocked, the tube is curving at a crazy angle, oh yeah, and it's pretty much glued to my ovary. Sa-weet right? So clip clip, buh bye tube. It's actually still inside my body as she didn't want to do a more invasive surgery to get it out (not necessary I guess?) but they did clip it, so it won't interfere. I probably need to ask more questions re: leaving it in there.

So yeah. Hubsters and I are in TOTAL.SHOCK. and i'm actually relieved and "happy" not happy but just glad to finally have a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is SUCH a bitch because you're basically just shooting in the dark. THIS at least gives us some answers. No, it may not be THE absolute and ONLY reason. But stage 3 endo is pretty big and definitely could totally be why i haven't ever had a pregnancy.

Also, side note, for those curious, though i don't think i ever fully blogged about my hospital stay last year after one of my IUI's (though its referenced in my TTC timeline) <--which needs updating... anyway, they think it's totally possible that the Fallopian tube demise could have been a product of that. They can't ever say FOR SURE, but I had done an HSG (killer dye test) in April 2012 and ended up crazy sick in my girl parts that summer after my IUI. They were never able to actually diagnose the infection, figure out what caused it, or know for sure what kind of damage it caused. During all follow up pelvic exams and ultrasounds, they never saw any damage, but it's possible that this was it or part of it. And of course the endo either contributed or didn't help matters.

So, that's where we are now... I know I really haven't blogged much in the past couple of weeks. Work has been insane as per usual... and Christmas preparations... and in all honesty, I've just been feeling depressed about the whole infertility thing. Most of you know that I try to keep a positive attitude, and yes, this is my blog where I can vent, but I just didn't feel like being Debbie Downer. I think it would have made me feel worse. Instead these last 2 months have actually sort of been a nice break from needles and doctors, minus the week of the flu.

I guess all in all I'm glad that.... oh god, i thought "I'm glad that I have endo" but seriously? I'm NOT glad... it's such a fucked up mentality to be glad you have this painful, goess, messed up condition that has been fucking with your body and you didn't know it for 24 years. But I'm glad to have A diagnosis. A possibility. A chance. I was seriously convinced that they were going to go in, find nothing and be like, we still have NO IDEA why you're broken. And for that NOT to happen is a miracle in itself. Just at least gives me some hope again. Does that make sense or am i a total cluster F right now?

On that lovely note, I'm going to go find another butterscotch to suck on... i had a breathing tube during surgery and i feel like there's somethin in ma throat constantly (Let me clear my throat, da na na na na na, na na na na naaa naaaaa, you know you're singing that old school hip hop diddy now).

Happy weekend friends! And Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Belated Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanza, etc.

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