Making Peace...

Well folks, I'm officially throwing in the towel. I've finally made peace with giving up breastfeeding. I made it to 3 months which is a quarter of my original goal. 

And yes I know breastfeeding is hard and it takes lots of dedication. And I'm still open to breastfeeding in the future. But for now I think I'll be happier once I'm done with it and proud of myself for sticking with it for the 3 months that I did. (And probably by the time I completely wean it will be closer to 4 months).

Even as ive been (almost) exclusively pumping for the past couple of weeks I've still had to majorly supplement with formula. And I started to get sick last week and my low supply took another hit. I wasn't eating or drinking enough, I was stressed, and having a baby that likes to wake up multiple times during the night just wasn't helping. And that's when it was decided. 

So I'm cutting myself some slack and saying it's ok. I got 3 months in and that is pretty good in my book.

Guilt

I'm just going to say it. I hate breastfeeding. Ironically said as I sit here breastfeeding my son. (I finally got smart and installed blogger on my phone as it's the only way I'm ever going to get around updating).

But seriously y'all. I hate it. Yet like an addict I continue doing it. My husband sees how much I struggle and is fine with me stopping. But for some reason I carry so much guilt about quitting. I've lasted 2 months so far. Which is 2 months actually longer than I actually thought I'd last considering all the issues I had with supply and latching. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to give it up. Because I fought so hard to get here. I'm still supplementing with formula. But my supply is better than where it was.

I wish I could quit and feel good about it. But I'm not at that point yet I guess. I just keep thinking to myself "if I can just get on a good feeding and pumping schedule then maybe it won't be so bad". But that's what I'm having the hardest time with. Because I swear EVERYTIME I get on the pump my kid knows. And decides to cry. Momma cannot pick you up with all this shit connected to her boobies kid.

Also I'm sure the fact that I'm sleep deprieved isn't helping me love this whole process. And the fact that homeboy falls asleep on the boob and doesn't get a full meal for his night feeds isn't helping either. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent. For now I'll continue on with the torture that is breastfeeding. LOL. 

One Month

Wow... it's been one month (and one day) since little man has joined our world... on one hand i can't believe it's gone so fast... a month already? no wonder why people tell you to enjoy every moment. on the other hand, the days (and nights) can sometimes pass soooo slowly. especially when you are that baby's main food source and caretaker!

we started out rocky with breastfeeding... mr nicholas has had a hard time latching from the get go and did quite a number on my poor ta-ta's! whoever invented the nipple shield, thank you, i want to kiss the ground you walk on. that thing is the ONLY thing that has kept me going thus far. that said, i'm pretty sure i'm having a supply issue. i'm trying EVERYTHING to get my supply up, and we'll see if i last. my only consolation is at least i made it to a month. i did have to start supplementing with formula pretty early on because baby boy was not gaining weight. however, at his appointment yesterday, he is now 9lbs, 1oz! so chunky monkey is putting on the weight and has quite the appetite!

that said, i'm at the point where i'm just "over it" with the nursing. my goal now is to last until the end of december. originally, i naievely thought "oh breastfeeding will be easy, i'm going to do it for a year". how very wrong i was... and that's been really hard to deal with. however, i'm finally at peace if i do end up going to formula. like i said i'm sticking it out for now, but if by 3 months, my supply isn't any better than it is now, we're going to throw in the towel before i have to go back to work.

in other news, i'm down 30lbs from my last preggo weigh in. i have 12 lbs left to get to my pre-pregnancy weight... but my ultimate goal will be my pre-IVF weight which would be about 24 lbs to go total. with that said, i'll probably finally get to my target weight and then (hopefully) get knocked up again? i really need to talk to my dr about birth control, endometriosis and trying again (with only 1 working fallopian tube). hubby and i discussed fast tracking pregnancy #2 and starting to try on our own in september of 2015. crazy to even be having that convo when i had a 3 week old baby at home, but since our insurance was up for renewal we had to make some decisions.

anyway, sorry if i'm all over the place, i'm totally sleep deprieved and rambling and wanted to let you all know i'm still alive and holding it together!

here are some pics of little man... can't stop taking pics of him he's so damn cute!