You're not gonna believe this!

Let me first just start out by saying that NO, I'm not knocked up. I know it's Christmas time and if it could happen for Mary thru what is that called divine conception? (all those years of CCD and I can't for the life of me remember the official title...) then it could happen for me, but no. No little sweet babies gracing my manger this month. Well except for the gorgeous Italian hand crafted plastic one ma dukes got for us in our nativity set...

Anyway, my lack of memory and poor jokes are getting blamed on the Percocets that are working their way thru my system right now and the fact that it's almost 6am and I now have the worst insomnia known to man. If any of you know me, which actually you kind of don't, you'd know that sister here is NOT a night person. Those days ended mid twenties... I attribute too many all nighters clubbing in the city and down the Jersey Shore. yeah i said it. Fist pumping Qui-zeen.

But I digress, as I have now wasted 2 paragraphs on Immaculate Conception (yes, i googled, bad Catholic!) and insomniac fist pumping. I also changed from trying to type this on the iPad (suck it iPad) to my laptop because the iPad was turning me into a dyslexic slut (it changed all nighters to all nighties!)

So today / yesterday (i say today since i have yet to sleep, well sleep of my own free will) was my surgical procedure. For what you ask? Diagnostic Laparoscopy, Repeat Hysteroscopy, possible D&C, and some other big words i don't know that totally turned out to be important. Basically, it was my dr covering all her bases, so she could go in there and do whatever needed to be done.

And she really did.

And, here's the part(s) you won't believe. We have a mother f*cking diagnosis. BAM. Stage 3 Endometriosis to start off. Like I learned today, it's totally NOT normal to feel like you're going to faint and or puke when you have your period. Who freakin' knew. Oh yeah, and the kicker to the second thing that could be messing with my babymaker.... a totally compromised left Fallopian tube. That guy is DUN-ZO. She said basically it's super blocked, the tube is curving at a crazy angle, oh yeah, and it's pretty much glued to my ovary. Sa-weet right? So clip clip, buh bye tube. It's actually still inside my body as she didn't want to do a more invasive surgery to get it out (not necessary I guess?) but they did clip it, so it won't interfere. I probably need to ask more questions re: leaving it in there.

So yeah. Hubsters and I are in TOTAL.SHOCK. and i'm actually relieved and "happy" not happy but just glad to finally have a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is SUCH a bitch because you're basically just shooting in the dark. THIS at least gives us some answers. No, it may not be THE absolute and ONLY reason. But stage 3 endo is pretty big and definitely could totally be why i haven't ever had a pregnancy.

Also, side note, for those curious, though i don't think i ever fully blogged about my hospital stay last year after one of my IUI's (though its referenced in my TTC timeline) <--which needs updating... anyway, they think it's totally possible that the Fallopian tube demise could have been a product of that. They can't ever say FOR SURE, but I had done an HSG (killer dye test) in April 2012 and ended up crazy sick in my girl parts that summer after my IUI. They were never able to actually diagnose the infection, figure out what caused it, or know for sure what kind of damage it caused. During all follow up pelvic exams and ultrasounds, they never saw any damage, but it's possible that this was it or part of it. And of course the endo either contributed or didn't help matters.

So, that's where we are now... I know I really haven't blogged much in the past couple of weeks. Work has been insane as per usual... and Christmas preparations... and in all honesty, I've just been feeling depressed about the whole infertility thing. Most of you know that I try to keep a positive attitude, and yes, this is my blog where I can vent, but I just didn't feel like being Debbie Downer. I think it would have made me feel worse. Instead these last 2 months have actually sort of been a nice break from needles and doctors, minus the week of the flu.

I guess all in all I'm glad that.... oh god, i thought "I'm glad that I have endo" but seriously? I'm NOT glad... it's such a fucked up mentality to be glad you have this painful, goess, messed up condition that has been fucking with your body and you didn't know it for 24 years. But I'm glad to have A diagnosis. A possibility. A chance. I was seriously convinced that they were going to go in, find nothing and be like, we still have NO IDEA why you're broken. And for that NOT to happen is a miracle in itself. Just at least gives me some hope again. Does that make sense or am i a total cluster F right now?

On that lovely note, I'm going to go find another butterscotch to suck on... i had a breathing tube during surgery and i feel like there's somethin in ma throat constantly (Let me clear my throat, da na na na na na, na na na na naaa naaaaa, you know you're singing that old school hip hop diddy now).

Happy weekend friends! And Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Belated Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanza, etc.

*s

Where I've Been...

Trust me, I wish it was somewhere tropical, exciting, foreign. But for the past week, I've been hanging out in my bed.

And since this is an infertility blog, you are probably wondering what kind of procedure, treatment, test I had done... the answer is none.

Instead, I have THE.FLU.

Yes, the awful, dreaded, knock you on your ass FLU.

And before you ask, yes, I did get a flu shot. Back in October. Though my dr today told me they are only 70% effective, or I might have caught a different strain. UGH.

And of course I was supposed to have my laparoscopy tomorrow. Which we had to postpone. So I'm a little more than annoyed about that. It's rescheduled for December 20th so I'm thankful we'll be able to get it in before the end of the year, but good grief.

Anyway, that's where I've been... hopefully once I'm feeling a bit better I'll be able to post more frequently!

*S

One Lovely Blog Award

Happy Monday people! (ok, not happy... but at least its a short week!)

I've been nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by the adorable Stephanie at The Icing on Our Cake. Go stop by her blog and say hi and check out her fun facts!

Here are the rules:

1) Thank the one that nominated you.
2) Put up the picture for the One Lovely Blog Award.
3) Tell everyone seven things about yourself.
4) Nominate seven other people and tell them that you have nominated them.








Ok... 7 things huh?

1. I'm adopted. My parents adopted me from South Korea when I was 4 months old. 
2. I'm divorced. I married the wrong guy the first time around. Neither of us were ready for the responsibility of marriage, not to mention his nasty drinking problem. It's not something I'm proud of, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say, and I'm a better person today for having gone thru it.
3. I never once before I started this process ever thought I would have any trouble having a biological child of my own. And now that I'm in the midst of it, realize how truly naieve I was.
4. I broke my right femur (thigh bone) a few years ago in Atlantic City. Everyone thinks I was crazy dancing on tables or poles, but in reality, I slipped off my stiletto on a slippery floor and just landed really really wrong.
5. Sometimes I really think of my dog as my child. I think it scares my husband how much I talk to, coddle and treat Scooter. In fact, I told him when I die, I want him to bury Scooter with me. #weirddoglady
6. I'm a complete beauty junkie. I love trying new beauty products and watch tons of YouTube videos from beauty gurus. (It's a nice distraction from infertility).
7. When my hubby is working late, I creep around the condo and check for serial killers hiding in closets and in the shower. To date, I haven't found any, thank the Lord, but ya never know!

 Here are my nominees!

1. Two Hearts, One Dream
2. Dreaming of Dimples
3. JoJo's Infertile World
4. Hopeful & Hungry
5. Genuine Greavu
6. Eat, Love, Procreate
7. Still a Mama Wannabe

Mug Swappin'...

So I haven't posted an update in a while (and hope to get to that soon) but in the meantime,
wanted to get my Mug Swap post up.

I was paired up with JoJo from JoJo's Infertile World...
her and I went thru a cycle (her IVF and me FET) together recently, so we've been chatting a bit. 

Anyway, guys girls, she sent me the BEST mug...
adorable, amazeballs, like it, love it, gotta have it... oh wait, i do!

See, i don't lie!

So THANK YOU JoJo! I really hope we both get our miracles soon!

Thanks to Jessah over at Dreaming of Dimples for putting the swap together!

*S

Stork Award

I was pleasantly surprised to see a nomination for an award today! Go check out Stephanie's blog when you have a minute and say hi!

Click here to read the description of the award.

How it works:

1. Include the Stork Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person(s) who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate as many bloggers as you want to receive the award.
5. Ask your nominees 10 new questions.
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.
7. Post the Stork Award icon on your blog side bar if you are so inclined.

Stephanie's Questions:


What is your favorite band/musician?
 Gosh... I am a music junkie. My computer is filled with so much different music that it's impossible to name one person/band. Some of my favorites include Jason Mraz, One Republic, Carrie Underwood, Jay-Z, Lady Gaga... and the list goes on...

What do you like most about yourself?
 I like that I'm a really friendly and caring person. I like that I can usually find the silver lining in every situation (hence my other aka non infertility related blog name).

What quality/qualities did you find in your husband that attracted you to him?
 Well first off, he's a hottie! LOL well to me anyway. But besides his dashing good looks, he had a GREAT sense of humor and still does. Also, he wanted the same things in his life/future that I was looking for in mine, minus being a lifelong #1 NY Jets fanatic. LOL which i guess i'm stuck with now. hehehe.

If you are a working woman, do you really truly like your job?
 I am a working woman, who funny enough have quite a good career. I say funny enough because I never really wanted a career per say. But over the years, I've worked hard and it's paid off. Do I truly like my job? Yes. I work for a small med comm company as a graphic designer (Creative Director to sound importante). It's got its ups and downs, but really its a decent company with decent pay and benefits and most importantly, let's me blog during work. LOL jk, not really.

Do you have any fears (heights, spiders, dark, etc)?
 Hmmm... I used to be super scared of puking. I made it years without a drunken puking incident. And then my stomach switched sides on me and now I've gotten over that fear. Of course scary spiders and bugs scare the crap out of me... especially when I'm driving and they appear crawling near me. But serious fears? Not being able to be a mom. That's now definitely one of my biggest fears.


What are your favorite types of movies (comedy, drama, action, scary, romantic comedies, etc)? 
 I'm not a huge movie person... opposite of the hubs. But obviously I'm a girly girl, so romantic comedies are at the top, comedy and then drama. Scary movies, thanks but no thanks. Hubs works a lot of nights so I pass on scary movies and having to check my shower for serial killers every night.

If you could be an animal for a day, what you you be and why? 
 A dog. DUH! Or maybe a hamster. Sometimes they run so fast on that wheel it just looks like fun.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing that you would buy?
 Geez, this is a loaded question. A lifetime supply of fertility treatments? A baby? Can you "buy" a baby? A surrogate in case I can't carry a baby? A new house?

What is the next thing on your "to do" list?
 Call the dr to let them know AF has officially arrived as of this morning. Fun shit. And to go food shopping. Fridge is looking pretty empty and sad right now.

What is your favorite childhood memory?
 I can't pin point one. But growing up with my brother and cousins, my mom used to watch all of us during the summers and take us to Six Flags Great Adventure. Those were some pretty great times.


OK here are my questions for you ladies!

1. What is your least favorite household chore to do?
2. Do you have any pet peeves? If so what are they?
3. What is your favorite holiday?
4. If you could spend a day with any celebrity, who would it be?
5. What is your favorite US city?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you want to have?
8. What is your favorite season?
9. What is your most essential beauty item?
10. What are your favorite girl/boy names?

Here are my nominees:
Jessah at Dreaming of Dimples
Caroline at In Due Time
Aubrey at Two Hearts and One Dream
JoJo at JoJo's Infertile World
Sausha at Welcome to my Uterus

OK, gotta call my dr and see what's next up on our journey now that AF has arrived.

*s

And the call came...

Of course, while I was out to lunch with the "friend" that doesn't know I'm going thru all this. Guess that tuna sandwich from Subway was totally in vain.

Anyway, let me cut to the chase.

BFFN.

i think i'm just numb right now. i almost sounded robotic on the phone with the dr. he said stop the injections, expect af in the next week or two and make a follow up appt.

awesome.

i think in the meantime i'm going to try to get a consult for a second opinion. short of genetic embryo testing, which at this pt we only have 2 embryos left... there HAS to be some reason why they aren't implanting. don't tell me that everything about me on paper looks perfect. there has got to be something missing... this is probably the most frustrating part of this process....

signing off now, as i have nothing good left to say...

*s

Not Good Vibes

So today started okayyyy... and i know it's only 10:40 am so the day hasn't even really started... so i guess i mean, i felt ok when i woke up. Though it wasn't a restful sleep because my behind is starting to really ache from these shots. I also haven't been dilligent about using the heating pad at night, so probably my own fault.

On my way in to the dr's office for my blood draw, hubby calls to tell me he got a $95 parking ticket. UGH. Just what we need. Piss more money away. Awesome (totally sarcastic, as if you couldn't tell). So I was super annoyed about that. Yes, i understand that he is working 3 extra shifts every week and busting his ass. I get it. So the fact that he wanted to drive in this morning instead of bus'ing it is understandable. HOWEVER, the fact that he thinks he can just park his car in a no parking zone so he can "run in" to get McDonalds is just dumb. I told him I hope he enjoys his $95 McDonalds breakfast sandwich and that it was worth it.

Then the nurse this morning wasn't one of my regulars. I think she's semi-new at the clinic. But just not very friendly. She didn't even MENTION the fact that they are doing the pregnancy test in the bloodwork today?! OK, so is that a bad sign??? LOL I don't know... no good luck, or we'll call you later... she just doesn't say ANYTHING...

And now, at work and i'm hit with a TON of deadlines (all today/tomorrow) for about 9 projects and feel like i'm going to be totally super stressed all day. So I'm basically in an "i hate everyone" mood.

I can only HOPE and PRAY for some good news this afternoon. But I'm now in a horrible mood and feel like it's only going to be more bad news. SO much for positive thinking...

Oh and this was my daily reading this morning from my book "Jesus Calling".... not even sure how to take this...

Worship Me in the beauty of holiness. All true beauty reflects some of who I AM. I am working My ways in you: the divine Artist creating loveliness within your being. My main work is to clear out debris and clutter, making room for My Spirit to take full possession. Collaborate with Me in this effort by being willing to let go of anything I choose to take away. I know what you need, and I have promised to provide all of that - abundantly!
Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation.

Soooo, for now, all i can do is try to trust God and know our future is in His hands... it's hard, but i'm trying.

*S

The Longest Wait...

So here we are, just 4 days away from Beta #1. Nervous would be an understatement. Is it me or is this waiting period the most torturous part of this journey? I mean, talk about a mind f*ck. Do I feel differently? Hard to say... some days I do, some days I don't. Some days, I feel like its the meds, some days I feel like I'm just a crazy person inventing symptoms in my head because I'm so desperate to feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Give me the worst morning sickness ever! Bring it on Mother Nature! I will bow down to the Porcelain Goddess every damn day if it means that these babies have implanted and are growing away in my backwards, upside down uterus!

And no, i haven't given into the temptation of POAS. Though, i like this option:

And just for the record, i'm asian and cannot solve the Rubix Cube to save my life. #epicfail.

But seriously... would you POAS or just wait it out til Thursday? Thoughts?
Oh and is anyone else having crazy crazy PIO/estrogen induced dreams?

*S

Stop the Madness!

Mini rant time. geez, i've been doing a lot of that lately, is it the hormones perhaps?

If I see or hear about another person (be it celebrity or not) that is pregnant this week, someone is getting punched.

• Kristin Cavalleri is expecting baby no 2.
• Kerry Washington shows off her bump.
• Kendra Wilkinson is preggers.
• and on and on and on. see below some peeps i dont even know are making headlines.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

Guess we'll find out next week if I can finally be the one to make that announcement...

One. More.Week.

of torture.

oh and you should see the bruises that have taken residence on my ass.

does anyone else bruise so easily?

happy halloween!

*S

Transfer and Rant

So, yesterday was our FET and all started out great. I got up early and was off to acupuncture. Dr L added some extra needles so I truly looked like a voodoo doll with needles sticking out everywhere. After that, Mr. Miyagi came in and did some crazy massage thing on my stomach area. Well it sort of went lower than the general stomach area, totally thought I was going to get a happy ending or something, but he wasn't pervy, just hitting pressure points around my uterus and ovaries, i think...

Once that was over, I was on my way back home. It was kind of a PITA that I had to drive all the way out to Princeton on a day I didn't even have work, but that's usually how these things work out. On my way, I made the executive decision to stop at Dunkin Donuts and get myself 6 donuts some treats.

Jets donut

At 11am, I checked in and called the embryology lab. Apparently they had to thaw 3 embies to get 2. Who knew, its only an 80% survival rate when they thaw/defrost the embryos. So I was kind of sad about that... Another baby gone... Do you guys consider your embryos your babies already? I do, and just felt sad that that one wouldn't have a chance at life. But I was happy that we still had 2 great looking ones to transfer.

So here's where the rant starts. We had to be there by noon. So we get in the car at 11:20 and get on our way. About 3 minutes on the road, hubby tells me he's hungry and he needs to stop and pick up a sandwich. UMMMM? REALLY? There is no time allotted for food stops in our trip. Now he's going on and on about how he thought he couldn't be in the room when I had the procedure... Nooooo, that was for the RETRIEVAL you idiot, NOT the transfer. So what happens? We stop at the local deli. And they take FOR-EV-ER to make an egg sandwich. At this point, I am in the car FUMING because at this point we're going to be late. Like really late. Once he finally gets back in the car (and I am now driving) the fighting starts. So needless to say we fought about everything from my driving skills (yes, i was speeding to try to get us there faster), the fact that I felt like he was selfish for not waking up earlier to eat a proper breakfast when he KNEW we had an appointment, and then I brought up the fact that I wished he didn't even have to come and I would do this on my own, like I've done everything for the past 2 years of treatments on my own. Yup, I went there. The hormones made me do it.

Here's the backstory to my comment. When we first started this process, hubby had the attitude of "i can't have the baby, it's not MY body, therefore what you have to do is YOUR problem". We had many many fights where I complained of him not being supportive enough. Of the 9 IUI's we did, I went to about 5 of them ALONE. Some of them were due to his work schedule, fine. But some of them were because he was "tired" from work and didn't want to wake up early to be bothered to go with me. Are your ears steaming reading this? My husband is not a bad guy. He works extremely hard for us. He commutes to Manhattan (2 hours each way) and works 2-3 extra double shifts a week. Often, he's working so much he sleeps on a cot sweet air mattress at work because he doesn't have enough time to commute home in between shifts. So I don't want to make him out to be this... evil person. But... in the beginning, and for a long time, he just didn't get it. I mean, what man REALLY does? They're not the ones getting violated everyday by the dildo cam, or sticking themselves with needles all the time, or being late to work because of morning dr appts. Once we finally started the IVF process, I think he finally started to get it. And he was awesome. Sympathetic, supportive, overly nice. Of course by that point, I was pretty bitter. His words of "Put your big girl panties on" still echoed through my head. But things have been going smoothly. Until yesterday.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to vent... I'm sure we'll make up and I can only hope that my hormones chill the fuck out and I can control the evil shit that spews from my mouth. And I hope that hubby realizes that making us stop to get him a breakfast sandwich was TOTALLY SELFISH!(Because it was!) So much for not being stressed out! Sheesh. I've been practicing my Zen breathing all morning.

Anyway, 2 embies were transferred successfully. Dr. D was a "perfectionist" according to the nurses, always something that's good to hear... so in the meantime, please pray that these babies implant... and let's also pray that the Jets win on Sunday since their horrendous loss had a lot to do with his piss poor mood yesterday, I'm sure of it. LOL. You'd think he was on his period or injecting himself with hormones or something... good grief.

Happy Tuesday!
*S

Shiny Happy People

I came across this article this morning called "12 Things Happy People Do Differently". I decided to take a minute to read it (and you should too) because I feel that as an infertile, there are so many things about our experience that can really get us down, make us depressed and cause us pain. And yes, some of it is the millions of hormones we're pumping ourselves full of. And everyone has their bad days...

but generally, are you a happy, positive person?

I like to think I am, but I know there are some things I can definitely work on. During this FET cycle, I've really tried to have an upbeat and positive attitude. Of course getting stabbed in the ass with a 2" needle, sort of makes one "desperate", but knowing the odds are in my favor (yes, said in the Hunger Games voice) for this cycle because we're doing an FET is really helping to boost my attitude. I've been optimistic in the past -- 9 IUI's ago; and it's true I didn't get the desired results. But, at this point, I would just rather be a happy person than a miserable one.

Does this process suck? Ab-sa-fucking-lutely...

But can we (and by we I mean all you STRONG women out there, and you all are) get through this and come out achieving our dreams? Ab-sa-fucking-lutely (ok, more like definitely maybe, but I'm trying...)

So Happy 2 ass shots Thursday and have a great day!
*s

Lining Check and a Date

Per the dildo cam from yesterday morning, my lining is at 8.2... from what i've read that's plenty thick enough for transfer...

And the date of our FET is going to be October 28th. I was sort of hoping for Friday the 25th so I could veg on the couch watching any kind of Housewives or SVU marathon all weekend, but apparently the lab was booked up that day... I am thankful transfer day won't be Halloween, i don't want a devil child being created inside me. LOL

So, another delestrogen shot Monday night and then Tuesday we start the dreaded PIO shots... which will continue for the next 10 days after transfer and HOPEFULLY the next 3 months (please, please, please).

Happy Friday lovelies!
*S

Sunshine!

 

Well guess what? The SWEET adorable Aubrey nominated me for this award! This Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day.

 

The rules are as follows:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award
5. Link your nominees and let them know they’ve been nominated. 

 

Here are Aubrey's questions and my answers:

 

1) Why do you blog, and will you continue to blog when (I'm being positive for ALL of you!!) you get pregnant/have a baby(ies)?

 

I blog here at The IF Journey AND at Sweet Silver Linings (non-fertility related) because it's a way for me to vent (IF will make you MAD!) and share, collaborate, and connect with all of you! I think especially for IF, having other people who are going thru what you are going thru is such a big comfort. More so, it's a chance to connect with women and share information, support and hope. And if this FET works which (it will, it will, it will) I hope it does, I absolutely plan on blogging about my pregnancy and future twins triplets baby!

 

2) What do you do for work (I'm always curious to know what everyone does all day long!)?

 

I work for a small medical communications company as a graphic designer. OK, my official title is Creative Director, but it's a graphic designer. LOL Let's be real. Ironically, one of our biggest clients has me creating posters about IVF and ART, so I can educate myself at work! The flip side of our clients deal with male issues, and let's just say, I've seen some pretty interesting photos of certain body parts that should never be bent at the angles they are bent at. Bad mental image? Yes.

 

I also have a freelance graphic design company on the side, where I design everything from logos to business cards to websites. 

 

3) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is just beginning their journey in the land of infertility?

 

Read all our blogs! I mean, that's a given right? But seriously, I'd say educate yourself as much as possible, and make sure you are your own advocate. Ask your doctor a million and one questions, cover all your bases, bug your insurance companies to see what's covered and not.

 

4) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is not going through infertility, but who doesn't know what to say to someone who is?

 

Don't be judgmental. One of my best friends made a comment to me about how people who had to do fertility treatments, that was God's way of telling them that they don't DESERVE children. At the time, I hadn't started fertility treatments, but I still felt like it was such a rude ignorant comment. Once I began treatments, I certainly didn't bother telling my friend about them, knowing her opinion. Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but if you don't have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself. 

 

Oh yeah, and stop telling me to "Just relax". I AM RELAXED DAMMIT. DON'T I SEEM RELAXED TO YOU! (kidding).

 

5) What is the item of clothing you want to buy most for this fall season?

 

I'm eyeing a couple pairs of booties as we speak!

How cute are these?

 

 

 

6) What is your biggest pet peeve?

 

Hmmmm

• when hubby doesn't change the roll on the toilet paper, and sets the new roll on TOP of the old roll and holder
• when the timer is not cleared on the microwave
• when the dog snores in my ear when i'm trying to sleep (this may be because he insists on sleeping on my pillow at night. #spoiled)

 

7) If you won the lottery, what would be the FIRST thing you'd do?

 

Buy a house. Hands down. OK, a close second would be to buy this bag... ok i know i don't really need to win the lottery to buy this bag. But, it was either buy the bag or pay for cycle meds.... guess the meds won out.

 

8) What is your middle name?

 

Lynn

 

9) Where would you live if you could move to anywhere you wanted in the whole wide world?

 

honestly, i know people make fun of Jersey, but i love it here... so i'd probably stay right where i am. though having a second house in paris or milan would be pretty nice too!

 

10) How many siblings do you have - are you the youngest, middle child, oldest or an only child?

 

I have 1 younger brother. We're both adopted, so not blood siblings. But he's the one and only brother that I know of that I've got, so I think I'll keep him! :P

And here are my nominees...

1. Starting Our Family
2. In Due Time
3. NatJezz Crawford
4. Welcome to My Uterus
5. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze

6-10 are any of my other followers that would like to participate! :)

*s

Nothing new to report...

So far, just chugging along. Delestrogen shot #3 was last night and it's starting to hurt like a biatch... I guess the higher the dosage, the more you're shooting yourself up with. Although it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely easier when someone else is doing the jabbing. I basically just close my eyes and brace myself. Though hubby tricked me last night by counting and then jabbing it in on "2" instead of after "3". LOL Not that it matters, I wasn't mad or anything. I find the actual needle to be minimal discomfort, it's more so AFTER once the medication is in the muscle and has to disperse.

Sitting on the heating pad definitely helps though! I'm just trying to keep up a positive attitude and say, "If this will give us our tiny miracle, i would do this a million times over".

So keep on truckin'... it's all we can do.

*s

sorry this post was so boring today... there's not much to say when you're in the waiting period... hopefully we get a transfer date on Thursday!

Shot thru the Heart...er.. Butt and you're to blame

Baby, you give love, a bad name! Whoo! Just had to finish singing!
Sorry, jersey girl + bon jovi = true love. You know how it goes...

anyhoo. back to update you's (another jersey phrase) on my shot to da booty last night... which turned out...... FINE!

yes, FINE!

Now. Granted. It was ONLY 0.2 cc and it was only my first one. so it could totally get worse from here. but at least i know what to expect and know that i CAN get through this. even if (and god willing) i get preggers (dare i even say that) and i have 3 MONTHS of shots ahead of me... I CAN DO THIS!

the funniest part was my hubby was all gung ho to be a sadist finally able to help me. and then he saw the needle. and saw where he had to put it. not so much in the toosh as in the.... the... muffin top area? is that a good description of where my sharpie drawn targets are?

cue following convo:
him:  how is this possible? i am totally going to hit your BONE if i put this all the way in, in that spot? i thought this was supposed to be your butt?!
me: i don't know. the nurse drew the circles, just aim there. i don't think there's bone!
him: are you positive? i think there's bone, there's gotta be a bone in there.
me: dude, you're freaking me out, just do it. just put it in! they wouldn't tell me to do it there if it wasn't gonna go all the way in!
him: okaaaaaay. [pauses] BUT if i hit bone, you better not get mad at me!

and in went the needle. all the way. and didn't hit any bones.
and it wasn't that bad. did it pinch? sure. was it awful? not really. i think it hurt more once he actually injected the medication. that made me yelp and "ow" a bit.

I had sat on the heating pad for about 10 minutes prior to and 10 minutes post injection. and like i said compared to 1 cc of anything, this was a very minor amount of medication.

but at least the fear of the unknown is over and i know what to expect. it's not all rainbows and unicorns. but it's certainly not AS painful as i was imagining myself screaming and writhing in absolute agony (yup. overdramatic like a jersey housewife flippin tables).

so there ya have it. i survived. numero dos shot on thursday will be given to me by a good friend who is a nurse anesthetist and a fellow IVF/FET-er so she knows the drill.

*s

Target Practice

Well folks, today is the day...

adding on the delestrogen shots in the ass. 

This is how I feel lately...

Hubby is excited to give me my first one tonight.

Eek. To which when I told him he'd be doing the honors, his excited response made me call him a sadist.

But, apparently he is just excited to be the one I trust to help me out.

Especially because after the very first Ovidrel shot months and months ago, I have not trusted him to come near me with any sharp, pointy objects. LOL.

Even Superbowl Sunday when I cried in the bathroom because I could not get the Ganirelix shot in.

I still wouldn't let him try. Talk about Bipolar Betty.

Ok, do it... Nooo, wait, i'll just try... no you can just do it... Wait... i changed my mind.

Cray cray? Definitely.

Tonight though, I'll have no choice.

Shoot me in the ass hubby. I even had the nurse draw some awesome target areas so he'd know where to stab aim.

Pray for me friends.

It's just the beginning.

Why can't I have the dr that just lets me stick patches all over my body?

*S

And Just Like That...

We're back in the game...

RE appt was this past Friday. Gasp! I know... it's been days and I haven't updated. That's because LIFE keeps getting in the damn way. And by life, I mean work. I mean, don't my employers know that infertility IS my life these days? Sheesh... the nerve...

Anywho...

So the final results of the hysteroscopy... pretty much normal. Pathology suggested that I have had polyps. Which Dr. R saw and removed when she was all up in there... supposedly those little sons of bitches won't grow back, so that's good news. Other than that, I apparently have a "small cavity" aka uterus. And in addition to being small, it's anti-verted.

An anteverted uterus refers to one where the positioning of the top points towards the tummy, front or the bladder. This condition is acceptable and is the most common position of the uterus and thus requires no medical attention. [via google]

My chromosomal testing came back normal. Hubby's is lost in the shuffle, so they should have it by today so I need to make a phone call to get his results.

So the final conclusion, at this point, is that we should try to do a frozen cycle, as my body might have just been on a hormone rampage from turning it into an egg making factory. Even though all my lab results were in normal range, sometimes a fresh cycle is just less likely to work. Who knew. RIP first two embies. It was a valiant effort.

And with another practice transfer under my belt (and almost pissing myself on the ride home), we are off to FET! Yay IM injections.... (insert MAJOR sarcasm). So I started Lupron on Friday night, took my last BCP pill last night, should have AF this week and start the delestrogen next Monday (eek!)

Oh yeah, and apparently if this cycle does not work, then we might have to move on to genetic embryo testing. At this point, my dr wants to try one more time, because apparently its mega expensive and not covered by insurance. Super...

So, with that said, we just NEED NEED this to work... I need it to be worth every single needle jab that I am about to embark on... PLEASE! LOL.

*s

Another Week of Waiting

Well, it's been nearly a week since the hysteroscopy, so I called today to make an appt for a mini consult with Dr. R. My test results haven't come in yet (I guess it really does take 10 days)... so my appt isn't going to be until NEXT Friday.

In the meantime, I got in touch with Freedom Pharmacy, and got some GREAT news. The meds for the FET are "only" $633! What what! I was one happy girl on Saturday after hearing this. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to IM anything... BUT, I felt like it was a little gift that I wasn't getting slapped with IM injections AND them costing a fortune.

Naw what ahh mean y'all?

Soooo, for now, just another 2 really, weeks of waiting, and staying on the demon BCP. Which, knock on wood, has not made me break out like a teenager yet (praise Jesus!) and hasn't made me super crazy.

This week, I am kicking back and fully enjoying my caffeinated coffee and a few adult bevvies, and trying not to think about the test outcomes or what happens next. Oh and saving saving money for the meds and next cycle costs. Fun times right?

*S

Oh PS. just read a blog where {surprise} the blogger turned out to be preggers... this isn't an IF blog that i follow, actually it's a fashion one... and without hesitation, clicked unfollow... am i alone in the fact that i just can't bear to follow along with mama's that haven't had issues? is that evil? ugh.

Another test checked off the list.

Yesterday was the hysteroscopy and I'm happy to report everything went fine. This time around though, I was SUPER out of it coming out of the anesthesia... and for some reason, super itchy. LOL. One of the lovely possible side effects the nurse told me.

I also got a nice dose of IV Clindamycin, an antibiotic, which made my mouth taste like metal, or so I kept telling everybody.

I also apparently got a stitch! Though it wasn't til today when the nurse called to follow-up that I could actually find out where and why. Apparently a routine part of the procedure if the instruments move around they can nick your cervix... ok... and apparently they told me this like 3x yesterday. Though, hubby, who wasn't under any anesthesia had no idea where/why the stitch was put in, what's his excuse? At least mine was that I was hopped up on the happy juice!

We also did some fun chromosomal testing... just basic blood tests. Though, by the time I came out of surgery, I was pretty dehydrated and they had a hard time finding a vein. So hand vein it was. Ouchie.

Also, this time, the ride home was rough. I was a bit nauseous, and just didn't feel good, and even started crying at one point. Though, thinking about it now, I think it was still the anesthesia wearing off, because a) I really wasn't in pain per se and b) I'm not usually a crybaby when I am in pain. Looking back now, I can't even believe I cried. LOL Silly girl, I know.

Next up, (hopefully) a call from the pharmacy (up in Boston, Freedom Pharmacy, anyone heard of it?) to let me know how many thousands of dollars I'll owe them for some sucky-ass IM injections (which I'm super dreading). Also, a mini consult with Dr. R to go over the results of the hysteroscopy and the chromosomal testing, and to see if we need to do anything else before FET.

Onwards and upwards,
*S

Look who showed up...

It's that bitch Aunt Flo! Two days after the BFN and stopping the meds... she snuck quietly in. So much so i wasn't even totally sure what was going on. i read on a few blogs that AF could be a light one, so i wasn't sure how light was light. but coupled with cramps, nausea and overall ickiness, i got a nice huge clot falling out this morning. Yes. Total TMI. Believe me, i was so totally grossed out (a hard thing to do to me these days of Crinone). But I guess that means today is officially Day 1 of my new cycle.

Been coping better with the fact that IVF #1 didn't work. Even told more people than anticipated. Sort of like the band-aid rule, the faster you rip it off, the quicker it stops hurting? So much for me worrying about when we were going to tell people the news. Glad i wasted all that breath and worrying on that last week huh? LOL.

Anyway I put in a call to the RE to see what i even have to do next. I think definitely blood work and ultrasound... and then what? are we definitely doing the hysteroscopy next, and when? Now i'm just anxious to get started... in the meantime, i'm going to do some more research on possible reasons for unexplained IF. see if there are any other tests i should suggest to my dr. i'm quickly learning that i really need to step up and be my own advocate in all this. if you have any suggestions for me of things to ask/ test for, please let me know!

*s

And the journey continues...

3 words. B. F. N.
i knew it in my heart, but was holding out the tiniest glimmer of hope...

next steps are waiting for AF (bleh/yay) and then doing a hysteroscopy to see if there's anything in my uterus that is causing an issue. because according to my dr, they really thought this was going to work based on the quality of the embies as well as my numbers.

in some ways i think unexplained IF is worse than knowing what's wrong with you. i feel like we're just shooting in the dark, hoping things will work, but not knowing WHY they aren't. and i'd really like to know why. so i'm putting a lot of faith in this next test, that it will give us some answers.

they may also do some chromosomal testing on us to see if there's an issue there, but i just have this sinking feeling its something in MY body that's f*cked up. i guess we can only wait and see...

*s

Feeling Pessimistic

Just got home from beta... the dr will call as soon as the results are in. I'm glad to know it's my dr that's on call today. Regardless, I can't seem to shake the feeling of them telling me I'm not pregnant.
I just don't FEEL pregnant. I realized that on Friday on our way to AC (good timing huh?)

Other than the symptoms I feel from the progesterone and estrogen, I don't feel anything else... at all. In my heart, I just feel like this cycle didn't work.

I also POAS last night when we got home from our trip. BFN. Maybe it was a mistake to do that, and I know I should have waited. Especially since it wasn't my first pee of the morning. But there was nothing... no faint lines. Just stark white and the dark control line screaming at me, "You idiot! Did you actually think you'd ever see pink? Muahahahahaha <evil laugh>"

Only a few more hours of torture til we find out for sure. Am I super pessimistic or just a realist?

*S

Conundrums

So where do I start? When we first started our TTC journey, there weren't too many people that we told. Sure, some friends knew that we were "trying" and I was naieve enough to think that we would get pregnant right away. After about 6 months of trying on our own and then going to get checked by the RE, we told a few more people that we were doing Clomid and IUI. We thought IUI would definitely work and just needed the extra "push" of the meds to get us going.

The IUI process for us ended up being a very long one, with half of our cycles being natural, due to cysts and other issues. And along the way, we kept friends up to speed more or less. Though the entire time, I kept quiet about it with my boss at work. Until we started the IVF process and I realized that I would have to say something in case I needed the time off. By then, I'd say a handful of people knew. And I was fine with being open about what I was going through, and the entire process.

Until now.

5 days away from Beta. And my feelings have TOTALLY changed. SIGH. Almost to the point where I wish that no one knew what was going on. I don't know why I'm being so sensitive about it, and I can't even really explain it to hubby, who does not get what the "big deal" is. I just feel like this is something so personal. I mean, first of all, I don't want people talkin bout my girl parts... its just not cool. I don't go around asking people how their penises are... don't ask me how my uterus is! (OK, not literally, but yes, one time, my BIL asked me how were my ovaries feeling?! Like SERIOUSLY?! EW, creep!)

I guess I just feel like these friends are putting pressure on me. And I know that's totally ridiculous to feel. But after everything we've been through, after every failed attempt, after let downs month after month... I know our friends genuinely care and are concerned and want the best for us. I know that. But, if this doesn't work, or if we have a miscarriage (a word hubby doesn't even like me to say, because I am "jinxing" us") then I have to tell everyone THAT too.

So I guess I'm curious to know how anyone else out there has handled this process. Am I crazy for feeling the way I do? How do I handle the situation from here on out when people do ask? There are a couple exceptions to my rule about who I want to know after Beta #1. My mom and 3 friends that have been there with me from Day 1 of this, and who have been through IF treatments. They GET it. I just feel like other people, though they have good intentions, don't.

So far, even though our Beta is Monday, Labor Day, i'm telling people it's not until Friday. Is that wrong of me? I figure by that point, I'll have at least had a second beta and can see if our numbers start doubling. Even then after that Friday, I'm still trying to figure out what to say to people. I'm not ready for congratulations from people that haven't personally dealt with infertility... that sounds so f*cked up. I know... Anyway, sorry for this rambling post, but i'd love to get some responses to this.

*S

3dp5dt

Here we are at Tuesday... i'm feeling a bit antsy today... don't think it's because of the 2ww. Moreso, just not wanting to be at work on a gorgeous day!

Hubby was at the gym today, and found this!

An angel penny! Called me and told me that he knows i'm pregs and it's a sign from God! I sure hope he's right, that would be a great Godwink! If it turns out that I am pregs, I'm going to take the angel penny and make it into a necklace. :) one can only hope!

Other than that, no symptoms present... i've been dutifully taking my estrace, inserting the crinone, and taking my prenatal gummy vits... so doing all I can to hopefully keep these babies marinating. LOL.

Today implantation would be starting, so dig in babies! Monday cannot come soon enough!

*s

Transfer Day!

Transfer day was yesterday. We got the call early Saturday that there were 2 great looking blasts waiting for transfer and 4 (possibly to be 5) that were going to be good to freeze.

our 2 little blasts!

So at 10:30, hubby, ma dukes and I (and a LOT of water) headed to the clinic for the transfer. For some reason, I felt more anxiety going for this procedure than I did on Monday. I don't know why, but I think that knowing this is the last step, and knowing, there's nothing left to do but wait after this, just had me feeling quite anxious.

Luckily, I had an acupuncturist meet me there and the acupuncture really helped to calm me down. She also said that 70% of her patients that did acupuncture in the office at the transfer ended up pregnant. Who knows if that's really true, but it gave us some extra hope!

The procedure itself was... uncomfortable to say the least. I mean, its not like my bladder was super full or anything LOL, but I was DYING on that table trying not to pee all over the doctors. I heard them mention that my uterus was curved so they were having a bit of a hard time getting the catheter to the spot. But they did get it in there and popped my little blasts into place.

And then the inevitable happened.... I had to use..... the bedpan. After drinking more than 32 oz (half gallon) of water in 2 hours, there was no way I was going to be able to hold it anymore. Luckily the nurses are used to this sort of thing, but still semi-embarassing.

After another acupuncture session and laying semi-inverted for 30 minutes it was home for bedrest for the rest of the day (and into today). I think I slept like 20 hours out of sheer boredom! And that's where we are right now. Hopefully these two little bambinos are getting ready to implant themselves and continue to grow. I can only pray and leave it in God's hands at this point!

Day 3 and then there were 9

Called the embryologist bright and early this morning to see if today's Day 3 transfer was happening, and the report was that there are 9 eight-cell embryos, none of which are "perfect" but are all growing about the same and looking about the same. So for now the plan is to hold off and do the transfer on Day 5 to see how they look on Saturday.

I'm relieved that we finally have a solid date/time to get this done!

A few questions going thru my mind... feel free to chime in with answers.

• How many days of bed rest after transfer should i have? pretty sure my clinic says just the day of... though since we're transferring on a saturday, i might as well relax it up on sunday too right? If i do sunday, do i need to be as strict?
• Once they transfer the blasts in, am i "technically" pregnant? I mean, i guess i'm not considering myself "officially" pregnant til at least the first beta -- possibly like the third, but once those blasts are IN my body, is that considered "pregnant"?
• Being that i'll have to wait (up to) 2 weeks for the beta, do i need to do things like not eat sushi, certain cheeses and deli meats? How does that all work?
• How much more acupuncture should i do?

Anyway, i'm sure i'll be googling away from now til saturday morning! LOL!

What Happens After an Embryo Transfer?

Saving this link so i can go back and look at it to see what's going down in my body.
Thanks to Still a Mama Wannabe for posting it for us!

What Happens After an Embryo Transfer?

Retrieval Day

So Sunday i was back at the RE for a quick blood draw and to get instructions for the following morning. I also got another vein blown out, my arms are a "hot mess" as was told to me by my nurse. LOL

Monday, bright and early, we arrived for the procedure... funny enough, i wasn't nervous at all! Which is weird, because usually i would be totally nervous. I attribute it to the acupuncture in really helping my stress levels and helping to relax me.

They brought me to the pre/post op area, went over some things, and started my IV (in the non hot mess arm). Then i kissed hubby good bye and was off to the OR. They laid me down, had me tell them my information and that is the last damn thing i remember!

Next thing i know, i'm waking up back in the post-op area and the procedure was done! Easy freaking peasy! I love anesthesia. LOL. Apparently my hubby thought it would be fun to record my loopiness, as i was drifting in and out. The pain wasn't bad at all, mild cramps, and i was discharged within the hour. We had a small hiccup with my IV when they changed out the bag, they didn't turn the nozzle to direct it into my arm, so it ended up dripping all over my arm for a good 10-15 minutes, so my whole left side was soaked. I kept saying, "i think my arm is wet" but no one was paying attention to the loopy girl! After I finally looked down, because by then i was like, "is my arm bleeding?", the nurse realized what happened and fixed everything.

Now for the good news... we got 14 eggs! And then found out yesterday morning that 12 fertilized. Yay!

Now we have to call tomorrow to see if the embies have progressed enough to do a day 3 transfer (thursday) or if we'll do a day 5 transfer (saturday). i can't believe this is it and i could be pregnant with TWINS no less in the next two weeks. I am PRAYING at least one of those little embies stick... it would really be so amazing.

For now, all i can do is take things day by day... going to the John Mayer concert tonight with some girlfriends. At least that will provide a fun distraction til tomorrow morning!

*S

2 Shots

So today is already 1 day post retrieval. But first I want to backtrack and tell you about the weekend and the last shots I had to do.

I went into the dr on Saturday morning (its sort of a pain to have to go on the weekends because the satellite offices are closed and the main office is about 40 minutes away). But i trekked in there anyway for my blood test. They told me to trigger that night and then to come in Sunday for more bloodwork to make sure the trigger worked. Cool beans...

Off I go to my acupuncture appointment, which is an hour in the opposite direction, and of course as I'm getting out of that appt, the dr calls with the instructions to do the trigger shot, but also to add back in ONLY the follistim. I'm guessing there were a few eggs that they just wanted to try to get a bit larger before the retrieval. This would have all been fine and dandy, except... I didn't have any follistim left! Sooooo, i had to trek all the way back to Somerset to the dr's office so they could give me a Follistim to use, and then I would have to order it from the pharmacy and replace it once I got it. UGH. Have I mentioned that no meds are covered by insurance at all? So $560 for 1 cartridge of Follistim later, I should be getting it delivered today and can replace the one they gave me.

Later that afternoon (after a day of fighter with the hubby, ugh, i won't even get into THAT) we were off to the NY Jets game. My hubby is a Jets FA-NA-TIC. He has season tickets and goes to every game. The new rule for all NFL games is that you can't bring purses into the stadium. And I had a lunch cooler packed with needles and medications! It was surprising that it was relatively easy to get everything in, we just had to get clearance from security, everyone assumed it was diabetes meds... isn't that fun? And we were on our way. I had to do 2 shots. The follistim at 8:30 and the HCG trigger at 10. I was a bit nervous about having to do these out in public, but i figured the Follistim would be simple since it was in a pen, and you basically dial the dose and shoot up.

Here was where we made a "mistake". At 8:30, hubby accompanied me to use the "Family Restroom". Basically a larger private restroom with the toilet, sink and changing table all in one room. This was perfectly ideal. As I was preparing everything, the guy who had been waiting behind us, starts shouting "Come on in there! Hurry up!" and BANGING ON THE DOOR!! Like for reals??? Dude, i am highly hormonal and trying to give myself a shot and you are banging on the door like a child??? Not to mention you have a child in your arms??? And there is a men's room about 500 ft away? OK, so i get thru the shot, put everything away and we open the door. As we are walking past the rude asshole, he has the nerve to say to me, "were you holding it for him?" Well that pretty much set my hubby off. He said, "my wife had to inject medications into herself you f*cking asshole!" and the guy pushes past us (with kid, who was at least 4 or 5) and shuts the door. So my sometimes hot-headed italian hubby kicks the door like the guy had been doing to us! Which then the guy (from the inside) goes apeshit and starts kicking and pounding on the door back! WITH HIS KID INSIDE!!!

I just couldn't even believe it. Security rushes over, and Gary tells him the guy in the bathroom was harassing me and is the one banging on the door from the inside, so they let us go!

It just makes me SO mad that that guy probably had NO problem conceiving his kid and look at what an asshole he is! And what a jerk his kid will probably turn out to be having that guy as a father... life is just not fair sometimes.

I smartened up and went to the first aid station to do the 10pm HCG shot. Being that i had to mix that one, i wasn't taking any chances in getting interrupted. And it went completely smoothly except that one hurt like the dickens.

Sunday I was back at the dr and cleared to go for retrieval on Monday!

Chugging Along & Possible Retrieval Date!

Still here, chugging along... 2 more shots to the gut last night. And what a big fat gut it's becoming. Holy bloating Batman, people are going to soon mistake me for Shamu. Or at least that's how it feels. I technically have only gained about 2lbs, but i just feel like my weight has been distributed differently. Coupled with the uncomfortable feeling of tennis ball sized ovaries, and two nice sized bruises on my stomach from hitting blood vessels (oops), i feel hot!

i'm crossing my fingers that tonight will be the last night of shots... which would mean that retrieval day would be Monday! Whoo hoo!

I'm awaiting a phone call from my dr this afternoon once the bloodwork comes back, and then another appointment tomorrow morning... and then hopefully we're off! And this would be especially good since I'm on my last cartridge of Follistim, and I really don't want to have to buy more...

So IF retrieval is Monday... Transfer would either be Thursday or Saturday. And then a nice long, excruciating 2ww, and then HOPEFULLY i will be pregnant! Dare I say that? We're putting 2 embies in, so i COULD potentially be knocked up with TWINS! EEK!!!

Happy Friday, will check in over the weekend with an update!
*S

Cheaper by the Dozen

Even though yesterday i went in for only bloodwork and wasn't supposed to have another dr appointment til tomorrow, i was called in a day early for an ultrasound. Apparently my body responds pretty well to the meds (as evident by what feels like my ovaries wanting to pop out of my torso) and my estrogen levels were high enough for them to want to check me out. Currently I'm taking 300iu of Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur and have done this for 3 days now.

So this morning as it was absolutely pouring and i had to drop the pup off to grandma's house (i do this every morning so he doesn't have to spend the day alone), and i knew i had a 9:30 meeting at work, i was praying that the line in the waiting room wouldn't be that long. And i totally lucked out... i walked in and was taken right back! Bazinga!

The physician's assistant did the ultrasound, and i had 4 follies on the right ranging from 9-10mm and 9 follies on the right ranging from 9-14mm. Though, of those 9, 1 is most definitely a cyst since they had found that cyst on Saturday. So a dozen follies to start out with... not bad for 3 days of meds.

With that said, i'm hoping to only have to go to Day 7 or 8 with the stims... main reason being, i don't think i'll have enough Follistim or Menopur to get me through more days than that. So cross your fingers for me that i'm an egg factory and just keep producing/growing these eggs. (Bak, bak... said in my best chicken voice).

One super fun side effect... other than the fact that i feel like my ovaries are about to bust through my jeans.... the hot flashes i started having last night. Holy hell, i woke up SWEATING... asked the hubs if he was hot, as he looked at me like i was nuts. i thought i was going to have to go stand in front of the freezer to cool down. Am i the only one with these crazy symptoms??

First Acupuncture

i had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. i wasn't sure what to expect and it wasn't bad... i figure any little thing i can do that can possibly help, i'm doing.

they started out with a crazy acupressure massage. not gonna lie, this was nowhere near being relaxing and peaceful. crazy asian guy whaling on my back and neck for 20 minutes is much more accurate. however, by the end of it, i was feeling pretty good. he sure did work out a lot of the kinks in my shoulders and neck and i'm sort of looking forward to more torture tomorrow!

then it was onto the needles... overall, i had 25 needles in me... head, ears, forehead, arms, hands, stomach, knees, ankles and feet. the majority of them didn't hurt at all. the 5 in my stomach were hooked up to the electric current to stimulate blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. the one in my right ankle caused this shooting pain that lasted for about 2 minutes and then passed... not sure what that was about, will have to ask/tell the dr tomorrow. and then 1 in my left ear and 1 in my left hand throbbed the entire time, but not unbearably. in fact, i even fell asleep.

my next appointment is tomorrow night and she then wants to see me every other day until retrieval. not sure about after retrieval what she'll suggest so i guess i can ask tomorrow.

And we're off!

I found out last night that we were on for this cycle! Halleluiah! I was so worried we'd be skipping this cycle, but thankfully i just have a cyst. Along with the cystic acne all over my face, thanks birth control, i guess i shouldn't be surprised that that's what it was.

Anyway, I ran errands like crazy today and tried to distract myself from thinking about the mixing of the meds and the... eek... injection that awaited me. After a gazillion cycles of this, you'd think I'd be used to this now? But the anxiety of it all just always creeps up on me. I mean, seriously, who the hell LIKES needles in the gut?

I set my alarm for 8:30, but actually ended up doing it before my alarm even went off. The mixing went fine. This is the first time I had to mix more than 1 vial of Menopur, so i was a bit nervous about getting the process down.

I would think that the first would be the worst... the anticipation of actually stabbing yourself and getting the needle in, but this time it only took me 2 times of counting off before i was actually able to jab it in. A nurse friend of mine told me to say out loud, "1, 2, stab". there were many nights in the past where i stood in front of the mirror going "1, 2, stab" over and over before bringing myself to do it. And these are just these little silly sub Q shots! I really don't know how people do the IM shots!

Anyway, i attribute the fact that i'm getting a bit "pleasantly plump" to the fact that the shot didn't hurt as much as anticipated. Maybe its in my head, maybe i'm looking for a reason to NOT hit the gym, but i swear, it hurt less. This is a double-edged sword though since now that i have a muffin top, i'm super self conscious about bikini season. Good thing i'll soon have bruises all over my entire abdomen and won't have to worry about wearing a bikini anyway! But, IF it gets us to our final goal of having a family of 3 (well 3.5, ya gotta count the fur child) then all this will be well worth it and then some.

Shot #2 awaits tomorrow, and then Monday, back to the dr for a blood test. I also got AF today from stopping the pill so now i have to figure out what to do about the acupuncture since they had wanted me to start on day 1 of my cycle.

*S

Another (Possible) Kink in the Plan

This morning was my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. I was excited to finally be starting my cycle. Lo and behold, I get in there and my RE is looking at the ultrasound and saying how there is something on the left, that could very well be a follie. We won't know until later this afternoon when the results of the bloodwork come back. Talk about a rollercoaster!

We're starting, we're stopping, we're starting, we're stopping...

So, there's pretty much a 50/50 chance at this point that its a follicle. Which is funny because i've been on that damn crazy BC pill for 5 weeks now. And according to my dr, if its a follicle, that means i'd be that 0.9% that the BC pill did not work for because i would still just ovulate despite being on it. Well isn't that just freaking peachy. I spent all those years on the pill trying not to get pregnant and NOT ovulate... then i spent all this time NOT on the pill TRYING to get pregnant... and now that they put me on the pill for a little while so i wouldn't ovulate, i'm STILL ovulating? And probably still won't get pregnant. So the worst case scenario is that it is a follie, we monitor it, and do it "the old fashioned way" which in my book = big fat waste of time. And yes, i know, it COULD happen. But after 21 months of trying, i'm a bit skeptical. Sue me.

Option 2 is that its a cyst. In which case, we move forward with the cycle as planned. Which means a nice juicy shot to the stomach starting tomorrow. Yay for liquid fire! (Sarcasm at its finest).

At this point, my hormone levels will determine what's going to happen. And I'm SO glad I already told my boss now for the SECOND time that we were starting... Ugh.

Needless to say, after my morning, i drove right to Wawa and got myself a giant star frosted sprinkle donut.

Anywho, happy Friday, i'll update when i get the results.

Oh, PS, on a happy note. Hubby got his results from the SA he gave Monday for the freeze. (our clinic makes us give a "back-up" sample in case something happens the day of the retrieval). His numbers were fantastic. 128 million, 61% motility and normal (don't remember the #s) morphology. So yay for that!

The Joys of IF Treatments

I'm sitting here right now with a killer headache, and can only take some crappy Tylenol in hopes of easing the pain. And I started thinking what a cruel joke Mother Nature and Science is playing on us wanna-be mommas.

I mean, let's think about it. Kudos to ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) and all but, I mean, Snooki can get blasted and probably get banged face down in a puddle of her own vomit and get knocked up, but for those of us who actually want babies and are faced with IF, what do we have to go through?

1. Blood draws. Every other freaking day. In the beginning of this process, i looked like a heroin junkie. Track lines graced my inner arms. This especially looks awesome when its summer and you're wearing a tank top. And forget those out there that they can't even find a vein near the elbow. One word: OUCH.
2. Internal ultrasounds. Sure, i LOVE getting probed and violated (and i don't mean in a 50 shades of kinky way) first thing every other morning, only to have the gob of ultrasound gel leak out hours later. At least this isn't "painful" but still i'd categorize it in the Unpleasant or Annoying columns.
3. Injections. This might be the main item of contention. Not only are you stabbing yourself in the stomach (or having your husband do it for you if he doesn't work nights like mine), you have to do it at designated times, sometimes multiple times a day, or more than just 1 shot. COME ON! Dear Scientists: we are already in EMOTIONAL pain. find a way to make these meds in pill form. PUH-LEAZE. we are begging you. Sincerely, every infertile woman on the planet going through treatment. At the very least, eliminate IM injections and make all meds injectable through the superfine needles (I know you know what i'm talking about makers of the follistim pen!)
4. Hormonal "ROID" rage. Yes, this is real. Just ask my hubby. And the broken glass in my trash can. Zero to fury in 0.5 seconds for NO REASON AT ALL. Stop it. Its not nice to those around us (or so i'm told.)
5. No alcohol, caffeine, or good drugs. Now this. This is just a damn slap in my acne-prone-from-all-these-damn-hormones face. Fo shizzle. I'm not even PREGNANT yet. Let me have my wine til i can POAS and get that exciting Plus sign. I mean, we're already tormented enough. Let us at least be drunk enough to not remember it! And i don't know about you but my RE's screening times are from 7-9am, so i NEED caffeine. I'm old and dragging without it.
6. The 2ww. Biggest. mindf*ck. EVER. need i say more? You can make a baby, a human being in a dish. And yet, we have to wait 2 weeks for you to tell us if it sticks? For the love of all things holy, shorten the time of every little twinge, twist, cramp, gas bubble.... i think i'm pregnant, no its my period, no i've gotta be pregnant, oh wait, that's definitely my period, but i could be pregnant......... you get the drift?

At the end of the day, IF this happens for us, all these gripes will totally be worth it. Don't get me wrong, i'm willing to do whatever it takes to hold our child in my arms, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

Rant over. Let me know what i forgot in this list!

*S

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Here We GO!

Finally got the all clear to stop the BC pill and start stims Saturday. It’s the start of hopefully the journey that will change our lives forever. But first I have to get through all the needles… 

Since our cycle was cancelled last month, it’s time to start psyching myself up for tons of shots, doctor appointments and ultrasounds. Yuck, yuck and YUCK. But, it will be all worth it if at the end this lady’s uterus has a growing bambino!

Wish us luck!
*S