You're not gonna believe this!

Let me first just start out by saying that NO, I'm not knocked up. I know it's Christmas time and if it could happen for Mary thru what is that called divine conception? (all those years of CCD and I can't for the life of me remember the official title...) then it could happen for me, but no. No little sweet babies gracing my manger this month. Well except for the gorgeous Italian hand crafted plastic one ma dukes got for us in our nativity set...

Anyway, my lack of memory and poor jokes are getting blamed on the Percocets that are working their way thru my system right now and the fact that it's almost 6am and I now have the worst insomnia known to man. If any of you know me, which actually you kind of don't, you'd know that sister here is NOT a night person. Those days ended mid twenties... I attribute too many all nighters clubbing in the city and down the Jersey Shore. yeah i said it. Fist pumping Qui-zeen.

But I digress, as I have now wasted 2 paragraphs on Immaculate Conception (yes, i googled, bad Catholic!) and insomniac fist pumping. I also changed from trying to type this on the iPad (suck it iPad) to my laptop because the iPad was turning me into a dyslexic slut (it changed all nighters to all nighties!)

So today / yesterday (i say today since i have yet to sleep, well sleep of my own free will) was my surgical procedure. For what you ask? Diagnostic Laparoscopy, Repeat Hysteroscopy, possible D&C, and some other big words i don't know that totally turned out to be important. Basically, it was my dr covering all her bases, so she could go in there and do whatever needed to be done.

And she really did.

And, here's the part(s) you won't believe. We have a mother f*cking diagnosis. BAM. Stage 3 Endometriosis to start off. Like I learned today, it's totally NOT normal to feel like you're going to faint and or puke when you have your period. Who freakin' knew. Oh yeah, and the kicker to the second thing that could be messing with my babymaker.... a totally compromised left Fallopian tube. That guy is DUN-ZO. She said basically it's super blocked, the tube is curving at a crazy angle, oh yeah, and it's pretty much glued to my ovary. Sa-weet right? So clip clip, buh bye tube. It's actually still inside my body as she didn't want to do a more invasive surgery to get it out (not necessary I guess?) but they did clip it, so it won't interfere. I probably need to ask more questions re: leaving it in there.

So yeah. Hubsters and I are in TOTAL.SHOCK. and i'm actually relieved and "happy" not happy but just glad to finally have a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is SUCH a bitch because you're basically just shooting in the dark. THIS at least gives us some answers. No, it may not be THE absolute and ONLY reason. But stage 3 endo is pretty big and definitely could totally be why i haven't ever had a pregnancy.

Also, side note, for those curious, though i don't think i ever fully blogged about my hospital stay last year after one of my IUI's (though its referenced in my TTC timeline) <--which needs updating... anyway, they think it's totally possible that the Fallopian tube demise could have been a product of that. They can't ever say FOR SURE, but I had done an HSG (killer dye test) in April 2012 and ended up crazy sick in my girl parts that summer after my IUI. They were never able to actually diagnose the infection, figure out what caused it, or know for sure what kind of damage it caused. During all follow up pelvic exams and ultrasounds, they never saw any damage, but it's possible that this was it or part of it. And of course the endo either contributed or didn't help matters.

So, that's where we are now... I know I really haven't blogged much in the past couple of weeks. Work has been insane as per usual... and Christmas preparations... and in all honesty, I've just been feeling depressed about the whole infertility thing. Most of you know that I try to keep a positive attitude, and yes, this is my blog where I can vent, but I just didn't feel like being Debbie Downer. I think it would have made me feel worse. Instead these last 2 months have actually sort of been a nice break from needles and doctors, minus the week of the flu.

I guess all in all I'm glad that.... oh god, i thought "I'm glad that I have endo" but seriously? I'm NOT glad... it's such a fucked up mentality to be glad you have this painful, goess, messed up condition that has been fucking with your body and you didn't know it for 24 years. But I'm glad to have A diagnosis. A possibility. A chance. I was seriously convinced that they were going to go in, find nothing and be like, we still have NO IDEA why you're broken. And for that NOT to happen is a miracle in itself. Just at least gives me some hope again. Does that make sense or am i a total cluster F right now?

On that lovely note, I'm going to go find another butterscotch to suck on... i had a breathing tube during surgery and i feel like there's somethin in ma throat constantly (Let me clear my throat, da na na na na na, na na na na naaa naaaaa, you know you're singing that old school hip hop diddy now).

Happy weekend friends! And Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Belated Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanza, etc.

*s

Another test checked off the list.

Yesterday was the hysteroscopy and I'm happy to report everything went fine. This time around though, I was SUPER out of it coming out of the anesthesia... and for some reason, super itchy. LOL. One of the lovely possible side effects the nurse told me.

I also got a nice dose of IV Clindamycin, an antibiotic, which made my mouth taste like metal, or so I kept telling everybody.

I also apparently got a stitch! Though it wasn't til today when the nurse called to follow-up that I could actually find out where and why. Apparently a routine part of the procedure if the instruments move around they can nick your cervix... ok... and apparently they told me this like 3x yesterday. Though, hubby, who wasn't under any anesthesia had no idea where/why the stitch was put in, what's his excuse? At least mine was that I was hopped up on the happy juice!

We also did some fun chromosomal testing... just basic blood tests. Though, by the time I came out of surgery, I was pretty dehydrated and they had a hard time finding a vein. So hand vein it was. Ouchie.

Also, this time, the ride home was rough. I was a bit nauseous, and just didn't feel good, and even started crying at one point. Though, thinking about it now, I think it was still the anesthesia wearing off, because a) I really wasn't in pain per se and b) I'm not usually a crybaby when I am in pain. Looking back now, I can't even believe I cried. LOL Silly girl, I know.

Next up, (hopefully) a call from the pharmacy (up in Boston, Freedom Pharmacy, anyone heard of it?) to let me know how many thousands of dollars I'll owe them for some sucky-ass IM injections (which I'm super dreading). Also, a mini consult with Dr. R to go over the results of the hysteroscopy and the chromosomal testing, and to see if we need to do anything else before FET.

Onwards and upwards,
*S