You're not gonna believe this!

Let me first just start out by saying that NO, I'm not knocked up. I know it's Christmas time and if it could happen for Mary thru what is that called divine conception? (all those years of CCD and I can't for the life of me remember the official title...) then it could happen for me, but no. No little sweet babies gracing my manger this month. Well except for the gorgeous Italian hand crafted plastic one ma dukes got for us in our nativity set...

Anyway, my lack of memory and poor jokes are getting blamed on the Percocets that are working their way thru my system right now and the fact that it's almost 6am and I now have the worst insomnia known to man. If any of you know me, which actually you kind of don't, you'd know that sister here is NOT a night person. Those days ended mid twenties... I attribute too many all nighters clubbing in the city and down the Jersey Shore. yeah i said it. Fist pumping Qui-zeen.

But I digress, as I have now wasted 2 paragraphs on Immaculate Conception (yes, i googled, bad Catholic!) and insomniac fist pumping. I also changed from trying to type this on the iPad (suck it iPad) to my laptop because the iPad was turning me into a dyslexic slut (it changed all nighters to all nighties!)

So today / yesterday (i say today since i have yet to sleep, well sleep of my own free will) was my surgical procedure. For what you ask? Diagnostic Laparoscopy, Repeat Hysteroscopy, possible D&C, and some other big words i don't know that totally turned out to be important. Basically, it was my dr covering all her bases, so she could go in there and do whatever needed to be done.

And she really did.

And, here's the part(s) you won't believe. We have a mother f*cking diagnosis. BAM. Stage 3 Endometriosis to start off. Like I learned today, it's totally NOT normal to feel like you're going to faint and or puke when you have your period. Who freakin' knew. Oh yeah, and the kicker to the second thing that could be messing with my babymaker.... a totally compromised left Fallopian tube. That guy is DUN-ZO. She said basically it's super blocked, the tube is curving at a crazy angle, oh yeah, and it's pretty much glued to my ovary. Sa-weet right? So clip clip, buh bye tube. It's actually still inside my body as she didn't want to do a more invasive surgery to get it out (not necessary I guess?) but they did clip it, so it won't interfere. I probably need to ask more questions re: leaving it in there.

So yeah. Hubsters and I are in TOTAL.SHOCK. and i'm actually relieved and "happy" not happy but just glad to finally have a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is SUCH a bitch because you're basically just shooting in the dark. THIS at least gives us some answers. No, it may not be THE absolute and ONLY reason. But stage 3 endo is pretty big and definitely could totally be why i haven't ever had a pregnancy.

Also, side note, for those curious, though i don't think i ever fully blogged about my hospital stay last year after one of my IUI's (though its referenced in my TTC timeline) <--which needs updating... anyway, they think it's totally possible that the Fallopian tube demise could have been a product of that. They can't ever say FOR SURE, but I had done an HSG (killer dye test) in April 2012 and ended up crazy sick in my girl parts that summer after my IUI. They were never able to actually diagnose the infection, figure out what caused it, or know for sure what kind of damage it caused. During all follow up pelvic exams and ultrasounds, they never saw any damage, but it's possible that this was it or part of it. And of course the endo either contributed or didn't help matters.

So, that's where we are now... I know I really haven't blogged much in the past couple of weeks. Work has been insane as per usual... and Christmas preparations... and in all honesty, I've just been feeling depressed about the whole infertility thing. Most of you know that I try to keep a positive attitude, and yes, this is my blog where I can vent, but I just didn't feel like being Debbie Downer. I think it would have made me feel worse. Instead these last 2 months have actually sort of been a nice break from needles and doctors, minus the week of the flu.

I guess all in all I'm glad that.... oh god, i thought "I'm glad that I have endo" but seriously? I'm NOT glad... it's such a fucked up mentality to be glad you have this painful, goess, messed up condition that has been fucking with your body and you didn't know it for 24 years. But I'm glad to have A diagnosis. A possibility. A chance. I was seriously convinced that they were going to go in, find nothing and be like, we still have NO IDEA why you're broken. And for that NOT to happen is a miracle in itself. Just at least gives me some hope again. Does that make sense or am i a total cluster F right now?

On that lovely note, I'm going to go find another butterscotch to suck on... i had a breathing tube during surgery and i feel like there's somethin in ma throat constantly (Let me clear my throat, da na na na na na, na na na na naaa naaaaa, you know you're singing that old school hip hop diddy now).

Happy weekend friends! And Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Belated Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanza, etc.

*s

Where I've Been...

Trust me, I wish it was somewhere tropical, exciting, foreign. But for the past week, I've been hanging out in my bed.

And since this is an infertility blog, you are probably wondering what kind of procedure, treatment, test I had done... the answer is none.

Instead, I have THE.FLU.

Yes, the awful, dreaded, knock you on your ass FLU.

And before you ask, yes, I did get a flu shot. Back in October. Though my dr today told me they are only 70% effective, or I might have caught a different strain. UGH.

And of course I was supposed to have my laparoscopy tomorrow. Which we had to postpone. So I'm a little more than annoyed about that. It's rescheduled for December 20th so I'm thankful we'll be able to get it in before the end of the year, but good grief.

Anyway, that's where I've been... hopefully once I'm feeling a bit better I'll be able to post more frequently!

*S

One Lovely Blog Award

Happy Monday people! (ok, not happy... but at least its a short week!)

I've been nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by the adorable Stephanie at The Icing on Our Cake. Go stop by her blog and say hi and check out her fun facts!

Here are the rules:

1) Thank the one that nominated you.
2) Put up the picture for the One Lovely Blog Award.
3) Tell everyone seven things about yourself.
4) Nominate seven other people and tell them that you have nominated them.








Ok... 7 things huh?

1. I'm adopted. My parents adopted me from South Korea when I was 4 months old. 
2. I'm divorced. I married the wrong guy the first time around. Neither of us were ready for the responsibility of marriage, not to mention his nasty drinking problem. It's not something I'm proud of, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say, and I'm a better person today for having gone thru it.
3. I never once before I started this process ever thought I would have any trouble having a biological child of my own. And now that I'm in the midst of it, realize how truly naieve I was.
4. I broke my right femur (thigh bone) a few years ago in Atlantic City. Everyone thinks I was crazy dancing on tables or poles, but in reality, I slipped off my stiletto on a slippery floor and just landed really really wrong.
5. Sometimes I really think of my dog as my child. I think it scares my husband how much I talk to, coddle and treat Scooter. In fact, I told him when I die, I want him to bury Scooter with me. #weirddoglady
6. I'm a complete beauty junkie. I love trying new beauty products and watch tons of YouTube videos from beauty gurus. (It's a nice distraction from infertility).
7. When my hubby is working late, I creep around the condo and check for serial killers hiding in closets and in the shower. To date, I haven't found any, thank the Lord, but ya never know!

 Here are my nominees!

1. Two Hearts, One Dream
2. Dreaming of Dimples
3. JoJo's Infertile World
4. Hopeful & Hungry
5. Genuine Greavu
6. Eat, Love, Procreate
7. Still a Mama Wannabe

Mug Swappin'...

So I haven't posted an update in a while (and hope to get to that soon) but in the meantime,
wanted to get my Mug Swap post up.

I was paired up with JoJo from JoJo's Infertile World...
her and I went thru a cycle (her IVF and me FET) together recently, so we've been chatting a bit. 

Anyway, guys girls, she sent me the BEST mug...
adorable, amazeballs, like it, love it, gotta have it... oh wait, i do!

See, i don't lie!

So THANK YOU JoJo! I really hope we both get our miracles soon!

Thanks to Jessah over at Dreaming of Dimples for putting the swap together!

*S

Stork Award

I was pleasantly surprised to see a nomination for an award today! Go check out Stephanie's blog when you have a minute and say hi!

Click here to read the description of the award.

How it works:

1. Include the Stork Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person(s) who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate as many bloggers as you want to receive the award.
5. Ask your nominees 10 new questions.
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.
7. Post the Stork Award icon on your blog side bar if you are so inclined.

Stephanie's Questions:


What is your favorite band/musician?
 Gosh... I am a music junkie. My computer is filled with so much different music that it's impossible to name one person/band. Some of my favorites include Jason Mraz, One Republic, Carrie Underwood, Jay-Z, Lady Gaga... and the list goes on...

What do you like most about yourself?
 I like that I'm a really friendly and caring person. I like that I can usually find the silver lining in every situation (hence my other aka non infertility related blog name).

What quality/qualities did you find in your husband that attracted you to him?
 Well first off, he's a hottie! LOL well to me anyway. But besides his dashing good looks, he had a GREAT sense of humor and still does. Also, he wanted the same things in his life/future that I was looking for in mine, minus being a lifelong #1 NY Jets fanatic. LOL which i guess i'm stuck with now. hehehe.

If you are a working woman, do you really truly like your job?
 I am a working woman, who funny enough have quite a good career. I say funny enough because I never really wanted a career per say. But over the years, I've worked hard and it's paid off. Do I truly like my job? Yes. I work for a small med comm company as a graphic designer (Creative Director to sound importante). It's got its ups and downs, but really its a decent company with decent pay and benefits and most importantly, let's me blog during work. LOL jk, not really.

Do you have any fears (heights, spiders, dark, etc)?
 Hmmm... I used to be super scared of puking. I made it years without a drunken puking incident. And then my stomach switched sides on me and now I've gotten over that fear. Of course scary spiders and bugs scare the crap out of me... especially when I'm driving and they appear crawling near me. But serious fears? Not being able to be a mom. That's now definitely one of my biggest fears.


What are your favorite types of movies (comedy, drama, action, scary, romantic comedies, etc)? 
 I'm not a huge movie person... opposite of the hubs. But obviously I'm a girly girl, so romantic comedies are at the top, comedy and then drama. Scary movies, thanks but no thanks. Hubs works a lot of nights so I pass on scary movies and having to check my shower for serial killers every night.

If you could be an animal for a day, what you you be and why? 
 A dog. DUH! Or maybe a hamster. Sometimes they run so fast on that wheel it just looks like fun.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing that you would buy?
 Geez, this is a loaded question. A lifetime supply of fertility treatments? A baby? Can you "buy" a baby? A surrogate in case I can't carry a baby? A new house?

What is the next thing on your "to do" list?
 Call the dr to let them know AF has officially arrived as of this morning. Fun shit. And to go food shopping. Fridge is looking pretty empty and sad right now.

What is your favorite childhood memory?
 I can't pin point one. But growing up with my brother and cousins, my mom used to watch all of us during the summers and take us to Six Flags Great Adventure. Those were some pretty great times.


OK here are my questions for you ladies!

1. What is your least favorite household chore to do?
2. Do you have any pet peeves? If so what are they?
3. What is your favorite holiday?
4. If you could spend a day with any celebrity, who would it be?
5. What is your favorite US city?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you want to have?
8. What is your favorite season?
9. What is your most essential beauty item?
10. What are your favorite girl/boy names?

Here are my nominees:
Jessah at Dreaming of Dimples
Caroline at In Due Time
Aubrey at Two Hearts and One Dream
JoJo at JoJo's Infertile World
Sausha at Welcome to my Uterus

OK, gotta call my dr and see what's next up on our journey now that AF has arrived.

*s

And the call came...

Of course, while I was out to lunch with the "friend" that doesn't know I'm going thru all this. Guess that tuna sandwich from Subway was totally in vain.

Anyway, let me cut to the chase.

BFFN.

i think i'm just numb right now. i almost sounded robotic on the phone with the dr. he said stop the injections, expect af in the next week or two and make a follow up appt.

awesome.

i think in the meantime i'm going to try to get a consult for a second opinion. short of genetic embryo testing, which at this pt we only have 2 embryos left... there HAS to be some reason why they aren't implanting. don't tell me that everything about me on paper looks perfect. there has got to be something missing... this is probably the most frustrating part of this process....

signing off now, as i have nothing good left to say...

*s

Not Good Vibes

So today started okayyyy... and i know it's only 10:40 am so the day hasn't even really started... so i guess i mean, i felt ok when i woke up. Though it wasn't a restful sleep because my behind is starting to really ache from these shots. I also haven't been dilligent about using the heating pad at night, so probably my own fault.

On my way in to the dr's office for my blood draw, hubby calls to tell me he got a $95 parking ticket. UGH. Just what we need. Piss more money away. Awesome (totally sarcastic, as if you couldn't tell). So I was super annoyed about that. Yes, i understand that he is working 3 extra shifts every week and busting his ass. I get it. So the fact that he wanted to drive in this morning instead of bus'ing it is understandable. HOWEVER, the fact that he thinks he can just park his car in a no parking zone so he can "run in" to get McDonalds is just dumb. I told him I hope he enjoys his $95 McDonalds breakfast sandwich and that it was worth it.

Then the nurse this morning wasn't one of my regulars. I think she's semi-new at the clinic. But just not very friendly. She didn't even MENTION the fact that they are doing the pregnancy test in the bloodwork today?! OK, so is that a bad sign??? LOL I don't know... no good luck, or we'll call you later... she just doesn't say ANYTHING...

And now, at work and i'm hit with a TON of deadlines (all today/tomorrow) for about 9 projects and feel like i'm going to be totally super stressed all day. So I'm basically in an "i hate everyone" mood.

I can only HOPE and PRAY for some good news this afternoon. But I'm now in a horrible mood and feel like it's only going to be more bad news. SO much for positive thinking...

Oh and this was my daily reading this morning from my book "Jesus Calling".... not even sure how to take this...

Worship Me in the beauty of holiness. All true beauty reflects some of who I AM. I am working My ways in you: the divine Artist creating loveliness within your being. My main work is to clear out debris and clutter, making room for My Spirit to take full possession. Collaborate with Me in this effort by being willing to let go of anything I choose to take away. I know what you need, and I have promised to provide all of that - abundantly!
Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation.

Soooo, for now, all i can do is try to trust God and know our future is in His hands... it's hard, but i'm trying.

*S