9 weeks and holding steady

Happy Monday friends!

Today we had our weekly scan and bloodwork. And as of Wednesday I will be 9 weeks.

The good news for today is that the blood clot has gotten a little bit smaller (thank you for your prayers for that) and we're hoping my body just continues to absorb it.

The better news is that the remaining baby is doing great! We had a heart rate of 170 bpm (old wives' tale is saying GIRL) and he/she was measuring in perfectly at 8w5d on the money.

The BEST news was in addition to a great heartbeat and size, we got a wiggle! To see it move on its own... that was just surreal. For the longest time I really never believed we would actually BE pregnant. And to see this little alien blob teeny tiny baby move on its own was just so exciting!

So, to all my fellow infertiles out there that are still trying, i guess i just want you to know there is hope.  Some days i feel guilty that i've "crossed over" and made it to the other side. And I know I shouldn't feel like that. 2.5 years of trying, 9 IUI's, 1 IVF, 2 FETs and 2 surgeries... i've put in my time as so many of you have. And for a while, I honestly never thought i would make it. But I did. And i hope and pray you do too. So, just keep holding onto the hope.

finally some warm weather!

*s

Sometimes These Things "Just Happen"

This morning we had our weekly ultrasound to see the progress of the babies... I fortunately haven't had any bleeding from the clot this week so we were hoping that the clot had shrunk.

We were wrong. So wrong.

Not only has the clot increased in size, but Baby B is most likely not going to make it. Apparently, B hasn't grown since last week. And they couldn't really see a clear heartbeat. The dr thinks that maybe the clot has affected Baby B and is actually closer to it than we originally thought. Secondly, the location of where Baby B had implanted wasn't really optimal from the beginning.

The good news is Baby A seems to be doing awesome. He/she is growing perfectly and right on track and has a nice fast heartbeat (though they didn't actually tell me the number).

So while we are both super disappointed that Baby B has become a statistic of "Vanishing Twin Syndrome", we're trying to just thank God that Baby A is doing well.

Now we're just hoping that this "f*cking clot" as my husband is now referring to it as, just starts to shrink and doesn't cause any problems for Baby A.

At this point, I'm just frustrated. That even once we've achieved a pregnancy, my stupid body just still doesn't want to work right. I mean, I KNOW this isn't my fault, anything i've done, didn't do etc. I logically know that and can accept that. But deep down, how can I not feel bad about it, when its MY body that's not doing its job... my husband doesn't want me to feel that way, but i mean, we as women, were put on this earth to have the babies... so it just leaves me STILL feeling the way i felt when we were struggling to even get pregnant... what is wrong with me?

In terms of our emotional state, I think hubby is taking it harder than I am. He was so caught off guard by this. In fact, he was begging me earlier and earlier to announce our pregnancy on FB and to his friends. To which, just this weekend I had told him that Vanishing Twin Syndrome is 30% likely. And today we became part of that statistic. For me personally, yes, I am super sad and disappointed. We were finally getting really excited about having TWO babies. However, since I've been the one doing the research and hearing stories from real life friends who have been through this, I think I was just better prepared for the possibility of this happening. So yes, i am sad. But I am ok. And i know that i still need to stay as stress-free as possible for the little miracle that is still growing strong inside me.

Another angel baby to add to my list... (i count all my embryos that didn't make it as angel babies).

trying to be glass half full monday...

*s

A little update and help the underdog!

Last Friday, mama dukes came with me for my scan. The high of the visit was seeing BOTH heartbeats... Baby B is still measuring a bit behind but developed a heartbeat in the 3 days since the last scan. So we're not out of the woods yet, but this is a good sign! The low of the visit (besides having to wait over an hour to see the dr) was that the blood clot is still hanging around and is a "substantial" size. I was told to "take it easy" and work from home until Tuesday... bleh.

So hoping when I go tomorrow I'll get cleared to go back to the office... it's getting hard to think of excuses for why I have to work from home with all my nosy co-workers! Well, they're not nosy per say... I have a lot of people I'm close with so, they're just naturally curious as to where I am. Today I actually said I'm working from home because my dear husband gave me a cold, and funny enough, it's not even a lie. UGH.

Also, I wanted to take a second to ask you to vote for my sweet blogger friend Jessah.  

Dreaming of Dimples was nominated for our local TV station's A-List competition 

under the category of Best Local Blogger.

Vote here.

And check out her blog here.

i can't stop eating green olives...

*s

Is This Real Life?

First off, thank you ALL for all your prayers and words of comfort to me. I appreciate them sooo much! To any of you who I didn't email back (because your email reply's aren't on) THANK YOU! Want to shout out to you specifically, because not sure how many people actually go back to old posts to look at follow-up comments (which i suck at going back and commenting on), so i'm not ignoring you! :) Bottom line, THANK YOU, it is much appreciated.

Anyway, we had our appointment yesterday since as of Saturday the bleeding had continued, on and off. Long story short with that, i had spoken to RE on Friday afternoon, she said if it continued that night to come in Sat morning.  Of course by Saturday morning it had stopped. Only to start again Saturday afternoon. So I called and set up to go in Sunday instead.

So in we go Sunday, after a day of what I considered to be a decent amount of bleeding... honestly we both were expecting the worst, and not very optimistic.

And, this is what they saw:

Yup, you are seeing correctly... 2 pregnancy sacs.... that means TWO babies... double the pleasure, double the fun with extra doublemint gum TWINS!!!!

Say whaaaaat....

Since we had our scan a bit early, the sacs are measuring at a normal size. Baby A had a clearly visible yolk sac and a possible fetal pole, though they couldn't totally see it. Baby B they couldn't get a good view of it's yolk sac, but said its normal to not see it since we were going so early.

SIGH OF RELIEF. Thank you Jesus!

And total shock/panic attack/disbelief/omg moment for hubby. LOL (that was fun to watch)

It's very very early... i was 5 weeks, 4 days so obviously we know there is the risk of losing one/both. But for now, we are thankful that everything looks totally good and normal and progressing the way it should.

Oh, and the bleeding? The dr couldn't find anything major, he thinks it might have just been some implantation bleeding of Baby A digging itself in. He found a tiny spot where the bleeding could have come from but said it should subside and that its totally normal to happen. But, better to be safe than sorry!

stay tuned for more twin power to come! next scan is next monday now, though i'll have to pop in for bloodwork tomorrow.

it's already monday and i'm already dragging.

*S

Scared & Nervous...

Had some cramping mid morning, and went into the bathroom around lunchtime and bam, was bleeding from the hoo ha... It's definitely more than light spotting... TMI but a clot definitely came out... and 3 hours later, went again and another clot...  if i wasn't pregnant, i'd totally be thinking this is the start of my period... ugh.

Called the dr and they said to increase my progesterone to 1.5cc even though my numbers looked good. And if the bleeding continues to go into the office for monitoring tomorrow morning...

I had just downloaded some pregnancy apps for my phone last night. I think I totally jinxed myself. :(

Just praying and praying to God that this is nothing and goes away. How the hell are you supposed to stay stress free when crap like this happens is beyond me. At the end of the day, I'm not the one in control, but this is definitely scaring me.

hoping this baby holds on for the ride...

*s

Sometimes I Get Paranoid...

well, here i am... exactly 5 weeks along today. Still super early, i know. most normal fertile people are just about finding out at this point.

over the weekend and into monday i was pretty much feeling totally normal. no "symptoms", even though the symptoms i was having are mostly from the injectable hormones...

tuesday morning i went in for beta #3... everything was fine, i felt good, felt confident, then went off to work as usual...

for the past two betas they've called me relatively quickly... much earlier than they did when just calling to let me know what dosages of delestrogen/PIO to take... so i was expecting a call around lunchtime.

lunchtime came. lunchtime went. 1pm came and went. 2 pm came and went.
and in came the paranoia.

"maybe the dr is just busier than usual today... OR maybe they lost my bloodwork... OR maybe they forgot to test for Hcg... OR maybe my numbers didn't rise... OR maybe i'm not pregnant anymore and they don't want to tell me the bad news!"

ACK... a girl can seriously drive herself NUTSO (which i totally obviously did).

so by 2:30 i was pretty much convinced it was horrible news #dramaqueen, and my phone rang.

beta #1: 160
beta #2: 562
beta #3: 2232!!!

so the doubling times were perfect and everything is hopefully growing as it should! Phew! Our first ultrasound is Monday so we'll see what's in there!

growing a human is hard work!

*s

On the Rise

Beta #2 is in, and the numbers have more than doubled. Wahoo. Latest round is 562. So for now this baby(s) is sticking around. So happy and relieved. Beta #3 will be on Tuesday. If all goes well with that, I'll drop from bi-weekly appointments to just weekly ones.

However, in the meantime I've been having an allergic reaction to the PIO. They think it might be the sesame oil, so we're switching to ethyl oleate. Hopefully the giant hive/mosquito bite lookin thing on my backside will go away soon (and stop itching). I feel like Al Bundy walking around scratching my ass all day long.

So, should we take bets on whether we think there are 1 or 2 bambinos in there?

Happy Friday!

*s