Making Peace...

Well folks, I'm officially throwing in the towel. I've finally made peace with giving up breastfeeding. I made it to 3 months which is a quarter of my original goal. 

And yes I know breastfeeding is hard and it takes lots of dedication. And I'm still open to breastfeeding in the future. But for now I think I'll be happier once I'm done with it and proud of myself for sticking with it for the 3 months that I did. (And probably by the time I completely wean it will be closer to 4 months).

Even as ive been (almost) exclusively pumping for the past couple of weeks I've still had to majorly supplement with formula. And I started to get sick last week and my low supply took another hit. I wasn't eating or drinking enough, I was stressed, and having a baby that likes to wake up multiple times during the night just wasn't helping. And that's when it was decided. 

So I'm cutting myself some slack and saying it's ok. I got 3 months in and that is pretty good in my book.

Sometimes I Cry...

Sometimes I cry...

... Tears of pure joy in knowing I'm his mommy

... Tears of thankfulness that he is happy and healthy

... Tears of sadness for all my friends who are still struggling to make their dream a reality

... Tears of happiness to think of all the friends that have gotten to experience the same joys of motherhood that I now experience. 

... Tears of remembrance of how strong this journey has made me and how i would go thru it again in a heartbeat if it means holding this sweet boy in my arms

... Tears of disbelief that he is really mine forever.

Guilt

I'm just going to say it. I hate breastfeeding. Ironically said as I sit here breastfeeding my son. (I finally got smart and installed blogger on my phone as it's the only way I'm ever going to get around updating).

But seriously y'all. I hate it. Yet like an addict I continue doing it. My husband sees how much I struggle and is fine with me stopping. But for some reason I carry so much guilt about quitting. I've lasted 2 months so far. Which is 2 months actually longer than I actually thought I'd last considering all the issues I had with supply and latching. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to give it up. Because I fought so hard to get here. I'm still supplementing with formula. But my supply is better than where it was.

I wish I could quit and feel good about it. But I'm not at that point yet I guess. I just keep thinking to myself "if I can just get on a good feeding and pumping schedule then maybe it won't be so bad". But that's what I'm having the hardest time with. Because I swear EVERYTIME I get on the pump my kid knows. And decides to cry. Momma cannot pick you up with all this shit connected to her boobies kid.

Also I'm sure the fact that I'm sleep deprieved isn't helping me love this whole process. And the fact that homeboy falls asleep on the boob and doesn't get a full meal for his night feeds isn't helping either. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent. For now I'll continue on with the torture that is breastfeeding. LOL. 

Baby's Day Out

Today was our first solo "running errands" trip! And Nicholas was soooo good!
I managed to hit 3 places before heading home... the post office (which is NOT recommended at Christmas time), the bank, and my favorite store ever, Target.

Short of me not having the stroller (it was in hubby's car and he was at work)... it was a pretty easy trip. Though, I gotta say, it took me a half hour to pack up stuff for baby (that we never even touched, but I'm thinking that was a good thing). By the time I got the baby bag, carrier with him in it, my huge Coach tote filled with my purse and 100 baby annoucement cards and myself down 3 flights of stairs and into the car, I was SWEATING.

Then on the way back up, I had all that PLUS 2 target bags... yup, all the way back up 3 flights of stairs. #betterlosebabyweightfast

All in all, it was a good trip. Nicholas slept from the minute we got in the car thru most of the errands. Though he did wake up once we were in Target for a tiny bit. Then again, who wouldn't want to look around the amazingness that is Target... and then he was passed out again til we were pulling into our development.

Even though I don't think I'll be taking him out too much since it's winter and I'd rather him not be around tons of people while he's so little, it was nice to know that I COULD do it.

One Month

Wow... it's been one month (and one day) since little man has joined our world... on one hand i can't believe it's gone so fast... a month already? no wonder why people tell you to enjoy every moment. on the other hand, the days (and nights) can sometimes pass soooo slowly. especially when you are that baby's main food source and caretaker!

we started out rocky with breastfeeding... mr nicholas has had a hard time latching from the get go and did quite a number on my poor ta-ta's! whoever invented the nipple shield, thank you, i want to kiss the ground you walk on. that thing is the ONLY thing that has kept me going thus far. that said, i'm pretty sure i'm having a supply issue. i'm trying EVERYTHING to get my supply up, and we'll see if i last. my only consolation is at least i made it to a month. i did have to start supplementing with formula pretty early on because baby boy was not gaining weight. however, at his appointment yesterday, he is now 9lbs, 1oz! so chunky monkey is putting on the weight and has quite the appetite!

that said, i'm at the point where i'm just "over it" with the nursing. my goal now is to last until the end of december. originally, i naievely thought "oh breastfeeding will be easy, i'm going to do it for a year". how very wrong i was... and that's been really hard to deal with. however, i'm finally at peace if i do end up going to formula. like i said i'm sticking it out for now, but if by 3 months, my supply isn't any better than it is now, we're going to throw in the towel before i have to go back to work.

in other news, i'm down 30lbs from my last preggo weigh in. i have 12 lbs left to get to my pre-pregnancy weight... but my ultimate goal will be my pre-IVF weight which would be about 24 lbs to go total. with that said, i'll probably finally get to my target weight and then (hopefully) get knocked up again? i really need to talk to my dr about birth control, endometriosis and trying again (with only 1 working fallopian tube). hubby and i discussed fast tracking pregnancy #2 and starting to try on our own in september of 2015. crazy to even be having that convo when i had a 3 week old baby at home, but since our insurance was up for renewal we had to make some decisions.

anyway, sorry if i'm all over the place, i'm totally sleep deprieved and rambling and wanted to let you all know i'm still alive and holding it together!

here are some pics of little man... can't stop taking pics of him he's so damn cute!

The Birth Story, Part 2

So, I had been on the Pitocin all day, and into the night, I started feeling very uncomfortable... the whole day I had been having contractions, but they weren't consistent and they didn't feel very strong. By midnight, hubby was asleep and the intensity began to increase... the monitor showed they were coming every 2-3 minutes. I began breathing through the pain and thinking to myself, wow this could be it... my second thought was, wow, i'm so tired, how am i going to do this?

And then.... i fell asleep. Yes, passed out, fell fast asleep, had a one way ticket to la la land.

When I awoke a few hours later, the contractions had almost stopped completely. I was now actually pumped up to the max dose of pitocin (20mL) and barely feeling a thing. The pain was on par with light period cramps... say what!

Dr J was back on call for the weekend and she came to check me. Another fun internal (note the sarcasm in that) revealed NO progression. Still only 3.5 cm dialated and only 50% effaced. I was presented with 2 options. They could give me a bit of a break, then go in and break my water and restart the pitocin and hope that breaking my water would give me a better outcome, OR i could opt to just go for a scheduled C-section. The dr and nurse left hubby and me to chat about what we wanted to do. Let me say, this was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. This entire time the words C-section had never even crossed my mind. But at that point, it was Saturday and I had been in the hospital since Wednesday, basically just "hanging out"... After talking to a few mommy friends for their opinion, I made the decision to just go for the C-section. It was time to get this baby out. My reasoning behind my decision was that Baby Camb was behaving perfectly... everyone said his heartbeat and movements were text book perfect. What if I opted to break the water and he went into distress? He was happy as a clam in there, so why not just go in and get him out and not stress him out... and in the end, that's just what we did.

Once the decision to do the C-section was made, things moved quickly. Forms were filled out, scrubs were given to the hubby and we walked down to the OR. I was scared the spinal block was going to hurt, but I had a great anesthesiologist and it really was no big deal. It's basically the same kind of procedure as the epidural, they shoot you up with some lidocaine and then administer the block. Then they laid me down on the operating table and waited for me to numb up. There were a bunch of people in the room, my dr, an assistant OB, scrub nurses, neonatologist and finally hubby at my head.

The whole experience of a C-section is completely surreal. The fact that I knew I had legs, but couldn't feel them was wild. It's like when you go to the dentist and get novacaine and feel like your lip is huge. I felt like I had elephant legs... and I knew they were there, but when I tried to wiggle my toes, nothing happened! Soon they were cutting into me, and I felt all kinds of tugging and pressure, but no pain. After a while, I felt lots and lots of pushing on my chest/stomach area... like someone was literally standing on me jumping up and down... I started mini freaking out and hubby was quick to calm me down and told me that I was fine and to just look at him and our son would be there soon. And then.... a very loud wail!

Our son was finally here. Cue the sobbing from both the hubs and me. They cut his cord and whisked him over to the neonatologist while he screamed his head off (a very good sign!). After a few minutes, hubby was able to go over and see him and they brought him over to me... and he was perfect in every way. 10 fingers, 10 toes, chubby little cheeks, and a hell of a wail! He measured a 9 on the Apgar scale and weighed in at 7lbs, 5oz and 20" long. In that moment, I fell in love...

After letting me see him for a few minutes, hubby went with him to recovery, while they put me back together - more pulling, poking, pressure. Then finally I was wheeled to recovery for some skin to skin with my son.

The Birth Story... Part 1

While Baby Nicholas takes a snooze, I figured I'd try to get in writing his birth story (before I forget the details, yes I'm {happily} sleep deprieved!)

So, it all started on Wednesday, November 5th. I was exactly 38 weeks along and had a routine appointment with my OB for a growth ultrasound. I had worked from home that day, and around 2pm went off to my appointment, figuring I'd be home by 3:30 to continue working... how wrong I was!

At the ultrasound appointment, the tech took her time looking at baby. She said he looked great, had a strong heartbeat, and didn't like the probe since he was flipping all around when she'd press it on my belly! Then she started to measure the fluid in the amniotic sac. The levels concerned her and she told me not to be nervous because he looked great but she needed me to go back out in the waiting room because she needed to show the doctor her report. After about 10 minutes, I was in another room and hooked up to the NST monitor. After 30 minutes on the monitor, Dr J came in and said baby looked great, however, the level of fluid concerned her. She wanted me to go to the hospital for some futher monitoring and for another BPP (biophysical profile). At this point, I still didn't think Baby Camb was on his way... Once I got to my car, I got on the phone with my hubby and was surprised when I saw the Dr beeping in... she told me there was a change in plans and not only did I need to head to the hospital, I would be spending the night there. I was allowed to go home to quickly grab my things, and then headed with my mom to the hospital.

Once we were checked into L&D, things were pretty quiet. Hubby was on his way home from work to spend the night with me... and basically i was just going to be hooked up to the NST monitor for the night and then would have the ultrasound the following morning.

We spent an uneventful night in the room, listening to Baby Camb's heartbeat on the monitors, and then first thing in the morning were sent downstairs to ultrasound. The techs down there deemed no change in the fluid and actually said to me, wow looks like you're going to be having a baby!

Once we got back upstairs to meet with Dr J, she told us that since baby's fluid was so low and that i was 38 weeks, full term, she would feel more comfortable if we started the process of getting him out. This meant induction. She gave me an internal, I was only fingertip dialated (which is like nothing) and gave me a cervical softener (which looked similar to an IUD) to get things started. The softener would stay in place for 12 hours and I could just hang out and wait for it to work it's magic. That was noon on Thursday. They checked me around midnight that night and inserted a second softener since there wasn't much progress. Hubby and I just continued to hang out, watch tv, and ordered some food. I wasn't feeling any pain or discomfort and still had no idea what lied ahead.

The following morning Dr R was on call and came to check my progress... which ended up not being much. He removed the softener and instead put in a cervical balloon to try to stretch my cervix and encourage dialation. Yes, this was SUPER uncomfortable, but I progressed to 3cm... by 9am, the pitocin was started and I thought for sure things would get moving. Throughout the day, they increased the dosage of the pitocin to try to increase the contractions, and would check me every few hours. By that night (Friday), I was given my last meal, and they figured with the pitocin working overnight, things might get moving. But boy were they wrong....