Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Just checking in since it's been a few days (ok, more than a few) since I last posted. Really not much to report, other than daily Lupron shots and twice weekly delestrogen IM injects have begun. Fun times, i know.

Went for bloodwork and scan yesterday...  my lining check was at 5.66. So not quite there yet. At first I was a bit disappointed. Last FET at this time I was already pushing 9, but alas slow and steady wins the race. Or so they say. That could just be a load of crap right? LOL

Back to Doogie Howser (my one dr looks super young) on Friday for another scan and hopefully the lining will have thickened a bit.

Is it me, or is this cycle taking SUPER long? I'm so over these damn Lupron shots. I just really really really need this to work this time around. But we all already felt this way right?

Happy HUMP Day!
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My Life as of Late... I Feel Like Jekyll & Hyde...

Maybe it's because my body's been off drugs for close to 3 months, but let me tell you gals... this cycle's Lupron has hit me baby one more time with a VENGEANCE! The headaches, the mood swings, the emotionalness ality .... dammit, i'm emotional! Oh yeah, and i stopped the evil BCP which after 3 months i finally felt normal on... and poof, aunt flo shows up at my door step. My RE said after the laparoscopy, "oh so your period may be SO much better now that we removed most of the endo" NOPE! "or you may not even get a period at all!" NOPE AGAIN. i've been hearing from my non-infertile friends that aunt flo has raged in like all these snow storms we've been getting here in jersey, so maybe its just a big F you from Mother Nature herself. I guess she has bad days too?

So anyway, now that i'm a bleeding, cramping, headache-y, hormonal mess my poor hubby gets to enjoy the brunt of it. And before you go, "awwww", let's remember, the man is never going to have to push a baby out of ANY of HIS body parts... am i right?

So last weekend was the Superbowl (go jets?) and we were having a couple of people over... you know, it's not like my husband didn't decide this TWO days before or anything... him? last minute? nooooo, never... (said as sarcastically as humanly possible). He We decided I would cook up some Sunday sauce (not gravy) with some meatballs, sausage and pasta. So, there I am, minding my own business, making the sauce, and in walks Mr I-Know-How-To-Do-Everything-And-Even-Though-I-Know-You-Know-I'm-Going-To-Tell-You-What-To-Do-Anyway. MMMM Hmmmmm, that was a mouthful, but i think you see where this is going...

Him: Honey, why are you doing the onions like that? You don't need to do the onions? And where is the garlic? Did you add the garlic? You should have added the garlic first....
Me: I know, and I am adding the garlic, it's right here.
Him: But you should have done that first? Why wouldn't you do that first, and then just add the tomatoes, why are you stirring the onions? Don't do that!
Me Mr Hyde: ARE BEEPING SERIOUS? DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE SAUCE?? I AM BEEPING 35 YEARS OLD, HOW THE BEEP DO YOU THINK I MADE SAUCE BEFORE I MET YOU?! DO YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN BEEPING SAUCE FOR YOUR OWN BEEPING FRIENDS BY YOUR OWN BEEPING SELF?! CUZ WE CAN BEEPING ARRANGE THAT!

whoa. (clearly i edited my potty mouth for this blog. maybe i need a swear jar?)

silence....

at this point, husband saw the look of death in my crazy drug induced eyes and knew if he wanted to keep his body parts in tact he should make a quick exit. which is what he did. smart man.

10 minutes later we were hugging it out, dr jekyll was back in the house, and order was restored in the universe. Cue sigh of relief from the hubby. It also may or may not have helped that we turned on the Puppybowl during this time period. I mean who can stay mad when there are glorious cuddly little puppies frolicking across the tv. Surely not this girl!

And that my friends has been my life as of late. Stay tuned for more shenanigans!

The start of FET #2

OK here we go! Went to the dr for baseline bloodwork and cultures today and got the all clear to start the Lupron tonight. Speaking of Lupron, yes, I got it all on time. Unfortunately none of it was covered, but hey, it was worth a shot anyway. Ya win some, ya lose some right? As long as the result of this FET is a BFP, then I'll be a happy happy girl. :)

I've had a nice long break from needles and not having a nightly "injection curfew". So I'm thankful that at least I got a break and my body had time to heal and get back to normal. Now all I have to do is throw some exercise back into the schedule and eat a little better and my body will be a holy temple for these embies!

So it looks like we're looking at the third or fourth week of February for the transfer. Now I can only pray that both our frozen babies defrost without issues!

Pharmacy Aggravation

So, for my last FET waaaay back in October, it never even dawned on me to try to have my meds go thru insurance. I had been "told" that I didn't have coverage for IVF meds so I just used Fertility Pharmacy and paid out of pocket. It cost us about $700 which in terms of meds is not that bad... we're all rolling our eyes at this, yet we all understand right?

Anywhoo, fast forward to 2 weeks ago... the start of FET #2. This time I thought to myself... I have the time, why don't we just give this a shot in the dark and SEE if the meds MIGHT get approved. I mean, technically these aren't IVF meds... they're FET meds...

So cross your fingers... apparently getting approval for this is taking a mega long time. Not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. But I've had to call Cigna Tel Drug SEVERAL times to check on the "status" of my order and was supposed to have the meds by tomorrow. Which is clearly not happening between this stupid snow storm AND the fact that they are still waiting on prior authorization. Ugh. It's just never easy.

If for some reason the meds don't get approved, i'll then have to transfer the Rx to Freedom since they supposedly have the lowest prices... which I'll then probably have to call them a million times...

And they tell people not to be stressed with infertility? Really???

OK rant over.

PS - for all of you that have to do this dance that i've had to do with the pharmacy and insurance company, try to pad your timeline as much as possible. I don't actually need the meds until Monday, the 27th. Thank god I lied to them and said I needed everything tomorrow or who knows when I'd get everything.

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

Looking back, i never thought we would be going thru this process for such a long time. Over two years of trying to make a human being without success. Going thru these cycles hasn't been easy. Especially because the schedule you have to be on requires certain timing of doctors appts, injections, etc. I basically haven't had a social life in a really really long time. We haven't made any long term plans, we haven't taken any vacations because I never know where I'll be in the middle of a medication cycle. Most of these meds have to be refrigerated, so that's posed issues too (a la bringing a lunch box full of shots to the Jets game).

I start my next FET cycle in 2 weeks. And I can't tell you how nice it has been to have these past 2 months off. I can go to dinner with my girlfriends and not have to leave at a certain time, I can make plans to do things at night and not have to worry about shots. Our weekends are free to do whatever we please.

Until the 27th. When it all starts again. When i become a slave to the IVF/FET schedule.

Already, I have my group of girlfriends trying to plan a lunch for a weekend in February. And my cousins who've invited us up to Boston for a weekend in April... and while I know that having no life for the benefit of staying on my medication schedule is in my own best interests, it just totally sucks.

So ya know what? I'm going to have to be the "flaky" friend for now. I'm not going to be the person that doesn't make plans because I don't know where I will be in my cycle. I'm not going to be the person that doesn't plan a trip because I don't know if I'll have a dr appt, transfer, procedure that weekend.

I need to live my life. And if I have to "reschedule" along the way, then so be it. I have to stop putting our lives on hold and be more flexible. Though I did already tell hubby that we have to stay home for the Superbowl so i can shoot myself up. LOL.

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Healing.

as my body heals from the surgery and the endo removal and busted tube,

i'm putting my faith in Him.

Happy 2014 loves!

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ps. follow up with RE next wednesday to see what's next!

You're not gonna believe this!

Let me first just start out by saying that NO, I'm not knocked up. I know it's Christmas time and if it could happen for Mary thru what is that called divine conception? (all those years of CCD and I can't for the life of me remember the official title...) then it could happen for me, but no. No little sweet babies gracing my manger this month. Well except for the gorgeous Italian hand crafted plastic one ma dukes got for us in our nativity set...

Anyway, my lack of memory and poor jokes are getting blamed on the Percocets that are working their way thru my system right now and the fact that it's almost 6am and I now have the worst insomnia known to man. If any of you know me, which actually you kind of don't, you'd know that sister here is NOT a night person. Those days ended mid twenties... I attribute too many all nighters clubbing in the city and down the Jersey Shore. yeah i said it. Fist pumping Qui-zeen.

But I digress, as I have now wasted 2 paragraphs on Immaculate Conception (yes, i googled, bad Catholic!) and insomniac fist pumping. I also changed from trying to type this on the iPad (suck it iPad) to my laptop because the iPad was turning me into a dyslexic slut (it changed all nighters to all nighties!)

So today / yesterday (i say today since i have yet to sleep, well sleep of my own free will) was my surgical procedure. For what you ask? Diagnostic Laparoscopy, Repeat Hysteroscopy, possible D&C, and some other big words i don't know that totally turned out to be important. Basically, it was my dr covering all her bases, so she could go in there and do whatever needed to be done.

And she really did.

And, here's the part(s) you won't believe. We have a mother f*cking diagnosis. BAM. Stage 3 Endometriosis to start off. Like I learned today, it's totally NOT normal to feel like you're going to faint and or puke when you have your period. Who freakin' knew. Oh yeah, and the kicker to the second thing that could be messing with my babymaker.... a totally compromised left Fallopian tube. That guy is DUN-ZO. She said basically it's super blocked, the tube is curving at a crazy angle, oh yeah, and it's pretty much glued to my ovary. Sa-weet right? So clip clip, buh bye tube. It's actually still inside my body as she didn't want to do a more invasive surgery to get it out (not necessary I guess?) but they did clip it, so it won't interfere. I probably need to ask more questions re: leaving it in there.

So yeah. Hubsters and I are in TOTAL.SHOCK. and i'm actually relieved and "happy" not happy but just glad to finally have a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is SUCH a bitch because you're basically just shooting in the dark. THIS at least gives us some answers. No, it may not be THE absolute and ONLY reason. But stage 3 endo is pretty big and definitely could totally be why i haven't ever had a pregnancy.

Also, side note, for those curious, though i don't think i ever fully blogged about my hospital stay last year after one of my IUI's (though its referenced in my TTC timeline) <--which needs updating... anyway, they think it's totally possible that the Fallopian tube demise could have been a product of that. They can't ever say FOR SURE, but I had done an HSG (killer dye test) in April 2012 and ended up crazy sick in my girl parts that summer after my IUI. They were never able to actually diagnose the infection, figure out what caused it, or know for sure what kind of damage it caused. During all follow up pelvic exams and ultrasounds, they never saw any damage, but it's possible that this was it or part of it. And of course the endo either contributed or didn't help matters.

So, that's where we are now... I know I really haven't blogged much in the past couple of weeks. Work has been insane as per usual... and Christmas preparations... and in all honesty, I've just been feeling depressed about the whole infertility thing. Most of you know that I try to keep a positive attitude, and yes, this is my blog where I can vent, but I just didn't feel like being Debbie Downer. I think it would have made me feel worse. Instead these last 2 months have actually sort of been a nice break from needles and doctors, minus the week of the flu.

I guess all in all I'm glad that.... oh god, i thought "I'm glad that I have endo" but seriously? I'm NOT glad... it's such a fucked up mentality to be glad you have this painful, goess, messed up condition that has been fucking with your body and you didn't know it for 24 years. But I'm glad to have A diagnosis. A possibility. A chance. I was seriously convinced that they were going to go in, find nothing and be like, we still have NO IDEA why you're broken. And for that NOT to happen is a miracle in itself. Just at least gives me some hope again. Does that make sense or am i a total cluster F right now?

On that lovely note, I'm going to go find another butterscotch to suck on... i had a breathing tube during surgery and i feel like there's somethin in ma throat constantly (Let me clear my throat, da na na na na na, na na na na naaa naaaaa, you know you're singing that old school hip hop diddy now).

Happy weekend friends! And Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Belated Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanza, etc.

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